Jokes

[livingabortion]

A woman rings the Doctor to get her husband's results and the Secretary ask for his name.
"David Green" the woman says. "Hold on I'll check", the Secretary says. After a minute she comes back and says "There's 2 David Green's on record and one has amnesia and the other has A.I.D.S.", and the woman go highly worried. "Oh Jesus, oh no what will I do?". "If I can make a suggestion", the Secretary says. "Send him to the shop for bread, and if he comes back, don't fuck him".

[The Butcher]

"Update the force, Luke."

Adobe Wan Kenobi

[livingabortion]

My girlfriend was trying to help me improve my cunnilingus technique.
"Just imagine you're taking a long lick of a cool ice-cream," she coaxed.
A couple of seconds later she screamed, "Ow! What the fuck was that?"
I replied, "Sorry, just biting the end off the Flake."

[Giggles]

[Abandon All Hope]

A black man walks into  a record store and asked the the employee have anything by the doors. the employee yes a camera and an alarm.

[Bigmac]

A woman rings up emergency services and says: "Hello! Hello! Help! My water just broke!"

The operator responds: "Ok, just stay calm, could you tell me where you're ringing from?"

To which she replies: "From me gee down to me ankles!

[livingabortion]

I can't even contemplate how many levels of shite that is. Fuck off!
Time to close this thread.

YOU ARE A MISERABLE CUNT 

[Don Gately]

Patient : OK Doctor what's the prognosis.

Doctor:  pretty bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers.

Patient : well at least I don't have cancer.

[livingabortion]

How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Steven.

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine ...
Clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.
I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

[Scáthach]

I asked my girlfriend would she perform a sex act on me with a set of keys, but she just fobbed me off instead.

[Caomhaoin]

Doctor gave a man six months to live. He couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

[Kurt Cocaine]

All I did was push my wife during an argument. Now she's moved into a hostel, called The Tempura Shelter. It's for "lightly battered " women.

[livingabortion]

How can you tell when your boyfriend is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.


I have just accidentally swallowed one of my cats worming tablets don't ask meow


I'm from Detroit...we're not the murder capital because we're more violent; we're just better fuckin'' shots".
Ted Nugent - The pants shitting, draft dodging, racist redneck pedo.


Marvel have announced their first transgender super hero. Wonder Womb-man in cinemas this summer.

[nukeabuse]

https://toiletovhell.com/the-serpentine-path-or-the-greatest-story-ever-told/

[warhead]

https://toiletovhell.com/the-serpentine-path-or-the-greatest-story-ever-told/

"Thanks" so much for this......if there ever was a time waster.......