Jokes

[Kurt Cocaine]

Masochistic Flat Earthers; get free phone abuse by ringing any number you like in Australia at 12 noon GMT and asking if it's sunny outside.

[Cosmic_Equilibrium]

A man goes into a restaurant and orders a coffee. It's served to him in less than 5 seconds. He's stunned and enquires to the waiter how this is possible.

"Well" says the waiter "you did order an expresso."

[Cosmic_Equilibrium]

Most of my jokes are pretty PC, apart from that one I made about the Chief Inspector.

[Eoin McLove]

PC = pathetic crap?

[Kurt Cocaine]

Jurgen Klopp decides to come out of retirement and play for Liverpool. He goes into the changing room and finds his team looking glum. "what's up?" he asks. Henderson replies "we're just not motivated for this game! I know it's only Man Utd and they're crap but we can't be bothered!". Klopp says "I reckon I can beat them on my own! You lads go down the pub. So Klopp goes up against Man Utd by himself whilst the Liverpool team goes to the pub. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going so ask the landlord to put the TV on. Liverpool 1 Man Utd 0. Few pints later Hendo says "It must be full time now see how the game finished. Liverpool 1 (Klopp10 mins) Man Utd 1 (Pogba 89 mins )They all rush back to Anfield to congratulate him, only to find him with his head in his hands." I'm so sorry, I've let you all down." "Don't be daft " said Hendo "how on earth have you let us down?" Klopp replies "Cos I got sent off in the 12th minute!! 🙈🙈🙈

[Juggz]

I was walking down the road the other day when a friend drove past me in his new car. He saw me and pulled in, rolled down the window and beckoned me over.

“Juggz, I’m in a dilemma.” he said.

They’re nice cars, Dilemmas.

[Kurt Cocaine]

I was walking down the road the other day when a friend drove past me in his new car. He saw me and pulled in, rolled down the window and beckoned me over.

"Juggz, I'm in a dilemma." he said.

They're nice cars, Dilemmas.

What's it like on juice?

[Juggz]

Not as all-embracing as spice.

[Pedrito]

Starting to see why CT shut down the other site..

[Kurt Cocaine]

Starting to see why CT shut down the other site..

He mentioned a nipper a couple of years ago didn't he? So I'm sure parenthood had a small hand on MI's demise somewhat.

[Scáthach]

Did y'all hear about the farmer with the magic tractor? He turned it into a field. Sorry, I'll get my coat.

[ochoill]

Feeling pretty down lately.  My friend tries to help, keeps telling me to cheer up - "it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a wet hole."

I know he means well.

[Ducky]

Did y'all hear about the farmer with the magic tractor? He turned it into a field. Sorry, I'll get my coat.

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award? He was out standing in his field.

[Kunt 4 Life]

What do fat birds and mopeds have in common?

They're great fun to ride but you wouldn't want your mates to see you with one.

[Kurt Cocaine]

Arlene Foster is touring the countryside in her Chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Arlene in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur.......
"You get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving; go and tell the farmer," says Arlene
Five hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you?" asks Arlene .
The chauffeur replies: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks Arlene
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them....
"I'm Arlene Foster's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."