Jokes

[Giggles]

Why didn't Elton John eat the lettuce?

Because he's a rocket man

[M.Hopkins]

When is a pixie not a pixie?

When he has his head up a skirt and then he's agobblin'

[Ducky]

Why didn't Elton John eat the lettuce?

Because he's a rocket man

I'm borrowing this, fuck's sake     

[astfgyl]

Had a friend who went to study Egyptology in college for several years but couldn't get a job for love nor money when he graduated so now he's going back to do his masters to be able to teach the subject to others and get a job in it that way.

Whole thing is just a big pyramid scheme really

[Eoin McLove]

 

Collecting the dole with his pHD in his hand.

[astfgyl]

And not even an extra tenner to feed the dog for it

[open face surgery]

2 priests driving through the countryside get pulled over by the cops. The cops tell them we're looking for 2 child molesters. The 2 priests looked at each other, smirked and said 'we'll do it'.

[Ducky]

Collecting the dole with his pHD in his hand.

As the adage goes; what does parking in the Sligo IT car park for four years do? Increase the class of conversation in the dole queue

[astfgyl]

2 priests driving through the countryside get pulled over by the cops. The cops tell them we're looking for 2 child molesters. The 2 priests looked at each other, smirked and said 'we'll do it'.

    

On a slightly related but somewhat random note: me and my cousin were thumbing a lift one day when we were about 12 and we were having no joy at all so we said maybe if we show a bit of leg we'll have more luck? Well anyway we pulled up the jeans past the knee and would you believe it the first car that saw us pulls up so we run on and hop in and lo and behold it's a fucking priest.

I'm choosing to believe he was just being decent because he didn't try to rape us at all tbf, but there was a nagging doubt that persists to this day that maybe I just wasn't good looking enough.


Maybe an oul ride would have reassured me. And here was I, thinking that a man of God would be able to ease my self doubt.

Also I was an Altarboy for around 2 years and not as much as a cheeky wink from the parish priests, never mind a good bumming. Fuck sake why did I have to bring the rejections back up for myself.

Fuck you and your joke

[The Butcher]

So ....who wants to head over to Santa's house and totally thrash the place seen as he is going to be out all night?! 

[Don Gately]

2 priests driving through the countryside get pulled over by the cops. The cops tell them we're looking for 2 child molesters. The 2 priests looked at each other, smirked and said 'we'll do it'.

    

On a slightly related but somewhat random note: me and my cousin were thumbing a lift one day when we were about 12 and we were having no joy at all so we said maybe if we show a bit of leg we'll have more luck? Well anyway we pulled up the jeans past the knee and would you believe it the first car that saw us pulls up so we run on and hop in and lo and behold it's a fucking priest.

I'm choosing to believe he was just being decent because he didn't try to rape us at all tbf, but there was a nagging doubt that persists to this day that maybe I just wasn't good looking enough.


Maybe an oul ride would have reassured me. And here was I, thinking that a man of God would be able to ease my self doubt.

Also I was an Altarboy for around 2 years and not as much as a cheeky wink from the parish priests, never mind a good bumming. Fuck sake why did I have to bring the rejections back up for myself.

Fuck you and your joke

That's funny

[StoutAndAle]

Given the current state of things in California, I'm going to haul out this classic - a favourite of mine.


With the wildfires raging in Los Angeles and no solution in sight, the mayor of the city calls in all of her aides and advisors.

"What the hell are gonna do? Do we just let the city burn? We have tried everything! EVERY-GATDANGED-THING!"

A dumb silence falls over the room.

"Nobody has an answer?!" wails the mayor "We tried smokejumpers, water deluge tactics, even the guys that quenched those oil field fires in Kuwait! Are you all telling me that there's nobody left?"

A young intern clears his throat "Um... there is one team that I found on social media that might be able to do it. They are from a place called Rathkeale in County Limerick".

"Where the hell is County Limerick?"

"Ireland, ma'am".

"What do these Irish guys want?"

"Um... they want 400,000 of their Euros each... paid in uh, cash and in grocery bags."

"Jee-Zuss Keyrist! Is that all? That's not even a million bucks, right?!"

"No, ma'am. But they have another condition."

"Which is?"

"They want themselves and their service vehicle transported directly from Shannon airport to the site on an aircraft carrier."

"Do it!".

24 hours later, a USAF transporter touches down a few hundred metres from the blaze with the mayor and her aides looking on in bleak hopeful desperation.

As the tail ramp of the carrier drops, there's the sound of an engine gunning like fuck. As soon as the ramp touches the ground, a Hi-Ace flies out the back of the carrier at 180kmph. Whoooooooooosh!

The Hi-Ace rips by the mayor and her aides who only catch a brief glimpse of these two heroes - Pa John, the driver and John Paul riding shotgun - before the van screams into the middle of the inferno, flames licking all sides it.

Pa John and John Paul in unison jump out of the Hi-Ace and are immediately engulfed in flames. Through the haze, the onlookers can hear screaming;

"Yeh, fuhhin shite-in-a-bucket yeh!" - Pa John

"Ah swur up on deh hol-ah pit-chure, ah'll fuhhin kill-oo, you flame bastard!" - John Paul

The two lads have their coats off and are whipping the flames.

"Ah tellah no lie, it's roastin' in huur"

John Paul pulls his lad out and starts pissing on the flames while Pa John takes off his vest and starts kicking earth toward the fire.

Miraculously, after 25 minutes, the caravan enthusiasts have the blaze under control. So much so that the mayor sends in the fire dept. to help.

She runs toward Pa John and John Paul "Gentlemen! What can I say? This is amazing! You were so brave driving right into those flames. I have never seen anything like it."

"Give us ar fuhhin' munney" chokes John Paul.

"Of course. What are you going to do with the cash?"

"Furst ting in-anyway is to get dem brakes on dat Hi-Ace fixed."

[Thorn]

Jokes aside I think a Go Fund Me page for poor Miss Hilton is in order

[Eoin McLove]

A lad just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.

I said, fuck that! Knowing my luck I'd win one.

[Thorn]