Jokes

[The Heretic]

What gender did Michael Jackson identify as?

He/he

    

[The Heretic]

If you chop a horse in half and clap the two sides together, it sounds like someone riding a coconut.

    

[The Butcher]

"This next song is about subtraction."

"Take it away guys."

[The Butcher]

[The Heretic]

My wife was reading Cosmopolitan magazine in bed last night and said to me, "It says here that most women get bored with their husband's sexual efforts after a few years of marriage."

"Really love?" I replied, as I continued to thrust away.

[astfgyl]

My wife was reading Cosmopolitan magazine in bed last night and said to me, "It says here that most women get bored with their husband's sexual efforts after a few years of marriage."

"Really love?" I replied, as I continued to thrust away.

Are you still thrusting man? I just leave the rotten little thing resting on her mound until we both feel bad enough to turn away

[The Heretic]

For some reason I find this funny as fuck...

[Jward]

[The Butcher]

Liam Payne....sure he only went one direction in the end!

[Emphyrio]

He was listening to Down.

[The Heretic]

https://blabbermouth.net/news/green-day-korn-and-sleep-token-to-headline-2025-edition-of-u-k-s-download-festival

[Black Shepherd Carnage]

A termite walks into a pub and asks:
"Is the bar tender here?"

[astfgyl]

good man I love a good shit one. I'll be drawing that one out at the work breakfast table in the morning

Not exactly a joke in itself, but I was chatting to a colleague one day and they were quite straight laced, found it hard to get a decent craic out of em so I started steering the conversation to things about the current state of the world and new inventions and whatnot and eventually got to greening and environmental solutions and after a few bits about recycling and raw materials and how do we get away from thermosetting plastics etc I says

did you see the new thing that Honda are after developing?

No says she, what is it?

Well, I says they're after developing a new car made from recycled timber that requires no metal parts.. a bit like the little gun yer man had in In The Line Of Fire.

What do you mean she says.

Well it's a wooden car, with a wooden engine

 and they're putting it through the testing for commercial production at the minute.

And do you think they'll have it ready soon?

Well no...

It wooden work!!

She didn't even laugh 

She wasn't my first victim either

[Eoin McLove]

[Anvil]

My current favourite...

What is long, green and smells of bacon?
Kermit's fingers.