Jokes

[livingabortion]

I had a look and didn't see a thread, so here we go ..........


A woman rang the doctor's secretary to find out the
results of her husband test. The nurse asks his name
and the woman says,
"David Green".
The nurse looks through their files and says,
"we have two David Greens, one has Alzheimer's and the other is HIV positive".
The woman says, Oh God what am I going to do?"
And the nurse says, Send him to the shop for a loaf of bread, and if he comes back, don't fuck him".


A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and sees her husband isn't there. She gets up and walks around the house and find him sitting in the kitchen. He's looking out the window with a tear in his eye. "What's wrong?", she says. He says, do you remember you father catching us having sex in the back of my car. "Yes", she says, "I could never forget that", and he says, "Do you remember him putting a gun to my head and saying, if you don't marry my daughter I'll make sure you go to jail for 30 years? "Oh yes I remember" she says. And he starts welling up and his voice cracks and he says, "I would have gotten out today".


A man goes to the doctor and says "doctor I can't pee". The doctor's says, "what age are you?" And the man says "I'm 93". And the doctor says, you've pee'd enough"

[Kunt 4 Life]

What goes in and out and smells of pee?

Granny doing the hokey cokey.


What's blue and fucks old people?

Me in my lucky blue coat.

[livingabortion]

 

https://youtu.be/vbLf9Ixf7Z8

[Kunt 4 Life]

How you recycle tampons?

Tea bags for vampires

[Kunt 4 Life]

What do you call a black man flying an airplane?

A pilot, you racist cunt.

[Ollkiller]

How you recycle tampons?

Tea bags for vampires

Vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. Barman goes "I thought ye drank blood". Vampire pulls out a used tampon and goes "Ah I'm only having a cup of tea".

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Hes married. She won't let him out of the house.

Lastly a terrible one that I love.
How does an Eskimo put his house together?
He glues it.

[livingabortion]

A man in his 50's hires a girl who's in her early 20's to work in the office. She's beautiful. And over the course of the next few weeks he keeps asking her out and she refuses. Eventually she says yes.
So they go to a restaurant and orders the soup, the pasta, the lobster, the stake, half a chocolate cake for dessert. Watching her he asks, "Does your mother cook for you like this? And she says, "No, but my mother's not trying to fuck me".

[Kunt 4 Life]

What do you do if you're in the jungle and you come across a lion?

Wipe it off and say you're sorry

[Black Shepherd Carnage]

A man in his 50's hires a girl who's in her early 20's to work in the office. She's beautiful. And over the course of the next few weeks he keeps asking her out and she refuses. Eventually she says yes.
So they go to a restaurant and orders the soup, the pasta, the lobster, the stake, half a chocolate cake for dessert. Watching her he asks, "Does your mother cook for you like this? And she says, "No, but my mother's not trying to fuck me".

Huh?

[Eoin McLove]

Her mother doesn't go out of her way to impress her because she doesn't want to fuck her but the boss has been trying to fuck her for a while so he goes the extra mile and cooks her an elaborate meal to impress her.  That's the punchline.  Good,  isn't it.

[Black Shepherd Carnage]

But they're in a restaurant, and why is he in his 50s? Or even her boss? No connection to the punchline at all 

[Kunt 4 Life]

Weren't they at a restaurant though...

Brain melted.


Whats brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

[Eoin McLove]

But they're in a restaurant, and why is he in his 50s? Or even her boss? No connection to the punchline at all 

The boss and the chef are hoping to 4- ball her?

[Kurt Cocaine]

What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

[livingabortion]

A man in his 50's hires a girl who's in her early 20's to work in the office. She's beautiful. And over the course of the next few weeks he keeps asking her out and she refuses. Eventually she says yes.
So they go to a restaurant and orders the soup, the pasta, the lobster, the stake, half a chocolate cake for dessert. Watching her he asks, "Does your mother cook for you like this? And she says, "No, but my mother's not trying to fuck me".

I thought the joke said it all