Mad shit your kids come out with

[Anvil]

When my nephew was about 3, we were in town and there was a dwarf walking down the street in front of us.  In his loudest voice he asks me "Why is that man so short?" the guy turns round, looks at my face drop and walks on.  Never wanted to be swallowed up by the ground so much in my life. 

[Eoin McLove]

The little dude comes up to me just now. He had been watching something on YouTube and wanted me to know the man didn't say "fuckin", he said "fruckin".

Okee-fruckin-dokee!

[Black Shepherd Carnage]

"With his enormous headless leg! He sees them, he's hungry, he eats them! Eugghhhhh! You are dead!"

Snippets of lyrics overheard from my lad's endless improvised song writing 

[astfgyl]

9 year old walks into the sitting room a couple of weeks ago and I'm sitting there watching First Dates with the missus...

So a Trans chap is having dinner with a bloke (not bad looking tbf, few pints down I nearly would) and the young lad says

"That's a man"

"Yeah it is" I say

"Oh" says the lad

"Stupid cunt"

Was very hard not to laugh but instead I sent him to bed for the bad language.

That entirely does not come from me because I give all my time preaching tolerance to the little bollixes and there will be no intolerance in my gaff. I think it's the little Polski boy telling them these things

[Hellyeah]

I don't have kids, but I was visiting my niece who is 3.5 years who I had not seen in maybe a month.
My brother answers the door and she runs to greet me, shouting  uncle ##### uncle #### I just had a Massive POOH!!! ONE BIG ONE AND ONE LITTLE ONE! THEY CAME FROM MY TUMMY!!!!!
Can't wait till she's a teenager to remind her of that story.

[noodles]

Passing time in the car doing word rhymes, -ake words. Usual stuff until I ran out. 3 year old pipes up 'you forgot fuck sake'

[Eoin McLove]

Haha. The other day I was watching The Diplomat and the main character says,  FOR FUCK SAKE! I look at my young lad playing at the table and he mouths for fuck sake to himself before giving me a cheeky glance. I threw him the hairy eyeball, but sure, I say it roughly ten thousand times a day so who am I to judge!

[astfgyl]

That reminds me of when I was going along with the young fellas when they were 3 or 4ish and we were playing guessing games.

"What do you really hate that belongs with G, dad?"

"Jaysus I dunno, ummmmm... Girls?"

"No dad, it's the government!"

Just when you think they aren't listening

[nukeabuse]

Sister in law lives in Oz, found her 7yr plds notebook where she'd written down swear words she'd heard at school so she didn't forget them. Obviously spelt wrong as only ever heard them. List was
"fack,
Bich,
What the hell,
Nigar"

The fact its spelt fack cuz she only ever heard fuck in an oz accent killed me.

[Eoin McLove]

Beautiful 

[Eoin McLove]

Hurry up and finish your dinner.

I can't, my arm is tired!

[DaveG]

I've got too many thoughts, I think I'm going to faint.

[DaveG]

Also, my two have it in their heads that Cozy Powell is the drummer in every band they hear.

"Daddy, does Cozy really have Sooty on his drumkit?"

Cozy Powell, yesterday:

[Eoin McLove]

 

My young lad today- Dad, your name is Shit!

Five minutes later after half heartedly reprimanding him for using bad language-  Dad, your name is Fuck!

   cheeky little bollix.

[The Great Cull]

My young fella asks people to shout "I hate happiness" but without pronouncing any h in it.