Tales Of Ordinary Madness

[StoutAndAle]

Fucking hell lads.

We had a lad in the gym who used to leave his clothes strewn around the dressing room. Ultimately bad form, but whatever, we took to just balling them up and throwing them one side.

That was all fine and dandy until one of the boys picked up his trackkie pants to be greeted by a gooey shite smooshed into the mesh lining.

The same bucko had really poor deadlift technique too. He'd drop in such a manner that he'd skin his shins, and leave bits of it on the barbell.

 

[The Great Cull]

The sister in laws Bichon Frise is getting towards the end of the road. She had a little bowel related accident on the kitchen floor the other day and before she saw this to clean it up, her new robotic hoover decided to try and help.... by smearing it all over the place 

The thoughts of where to start trying to sort a mess like that out 

[Eoin McLove]

  beautiful

[The Heretic]

Myself and a mate used to share a house with another friend who owned the house, one night at around 11 myself and my mate were watching telly and the doorbell rings, mates goes to answer it and there's a woman at the door looking for our other friend and my mate says he's not in, she's insists on coming in anyway so he lets her in.

So she's in the sitting room chatting away, all of a sudden she says do you want to see my scar (pure father ted stuff), and we go eh? Next thing she has her trousers down and her leg up on the chair and she has some kind of scar on her inner thigh, nasty looking, I think she said it was some kind of botched surgery, my mate gets a bit freaked out, next thing she has her trousers fully off and starts to do forward rolls across the floor and attempting cartwheels, my mate says fuck this and heads off to bed, so I'm there with her on my own, thankfully she puts her trousers back on and sits down again, I begin to drop hints that its late and that I have to get up for work and she says can I sleep on the couch, I reluctantly agreed and head off to bed, I'm in bed about half an hour and there's a knock on the door and it opens anyway, she says can I come in and I say eh? I'm trying to sleep! She comes in anyway sits on the bed and says ohh cool room (metal posters everywhere etc) and then heads for the CD rack, starts going through them, ohh and Type O Negative cool etc she picks out a few and says can I borrow these and I again reluctantly agreed, next think she's down the stairs and out the front door..

Next morning myself and my mate both get ready for work and he says wtf was that about last night, she had come to his room as well but he let on he was asleep, our other mate came back later that evening and we explain our story, he's says yeah she's a bit strange, I wouldn't have let her in, never saw her or the CD's again... 

[Eoin McLove]

And not even the tip for all that? She must have an equally strange story to tell... I pulled my pants down and snaked across the floor and the two boys still didn't get the hint. Fucking metal virgins!

[The Heretic]

And not even the tip for all that? She must have an equally strange story to tell... I pulled my pants down and snaked across the floor and the two boys still didn't get the hint. Fucking metal virgins!

Not with a barge pole....

[The Great Cull]

She went on to refine her moves in the Olympic break dancing for Australia

[Eoin McLove]

And we are all very proud 

[StoutAndAle]

Had to go a family engagement party on Friday night. It was in the couple's house - a house that I have never been to in my life and have only met the prospective groom 4 or 5 times.

My brother, Podsie, had grumbled to me a few weeks back "Fuck sake, the party should be on in a pub or something. I'll have to get a lift to the gaff - no way I'm not drinking at that thing". Himself and his missus got the last two spots in my father's car so he could booze away as planned.

Resigned to the fact that we would have to drive down to the middle of nowhere in West Cork, I tapped the Eircode into the car sat-nav and off my wife and I went.

Things didn't start off so well - we pulled up to a massive pile of bricks, down a drive longer than my walk to the local shop. I looked at my missus and said "This can't be it... can it?". There were a few other cars parked up so we decided that it was. Hopped out, grabbed the present, went to the front door, pressed the bell and waited.

And waited. No answer. I went to pressed the bell again and my wife stopped me.

"What?" I asked. "We've been out here for 5 minutes". So I have it another push. Nothing. "Is this the right house?"

"Sounds like there are people inside." said she.

I decided to go with a forceful but jaunty tap-tap-tap-taptap...tap-tap. Nothing.

"I'll go around the back. Maybe the bell is broken".

"No. Don't leave me here in case they come out when you're gone."

"I'll be back in a sec" and I started around the edge of house. I got between the gable end and the separate garage (bigger than the house that I grew up in) when all of a sudden about a dozen security lights flashed on.

It was like the bit on the roof in Guns N' Roses' "Don't Cry" video.

"Who's out there?" came a voice from beyond the dazzle, over the back garden fence.

I turned on my heels and ran back to the front door. My missus was gone. Pulled out my phone and there was a message.

"The door is open".

I left myself in, the party seemed to be in the back of the house. There were a fair few people already and I heard more pulling up. Made my entrance, shook hands with the future bride and groom, located the people that I know and began to calm down a bit.

"The fucking bell definitely isn't working" I crowed to the brother.

"Is it not?" he replied, shrugging and taking a belt off of his beer "We just left ourselves in."

A while later, the house was packed 50 - 60 people floating between the kitchen and the room next to it. Caterers were handing out food and stuff. It was nice bar shaking hands with strangers, having to listen to who they were, how they were related to the groom and then me telling them who I was and so on.

"Still think that it should have been in a pub" said the brother as he ate his 27th cocktail sausage. "I mean, the food is nice and the drink is free but still. Not a lot of craic is there? Didn't Claudia say that there was meant to be a DJ?"

"Dunno." I shrugged as I looked a the lemon and ice in my sparkling water. (Deciding not to drink at these things is a big no-no).

The bride-to-be, was near us so Podsie waved her over.

"Everything thing alright, lads?" she asked "Enjoying yourselves?".

"Yeah. It's lovely" said I.

"Wasn't there supposed to be a DJ?" Podsie enquired.

"Oh, there was. A friend of ours, Darren. But his mam had a fall and had to be taken to hospital."

"Bad one" says I.

"I know but sure what can you do?" said Claudia. "Oh look, that's him. Hi Darren."

Darren the DJ shuffled towards us holding a bottle of Moretti.

"Hi, Claudia. Sorry I couldn't do the music for you tonight. Yourself and Matthew are doing a great job hosting."

"Not at all... These are my..." and she tried to introduce us.

"Were you s'posed to be the DJ?" interjected Podsie.

"Yeah. I was but my mother had a fall and..." replied Darren the DJ.

"And you still came to the party but not to play tunes?" asked Podsie.

"Eh, yeah."

"I see. Did your mother fall onto your record decks or what?"

[The Heretic]

Had to go a family engagement party on Friday night. It was in the couple's house - a house that I have never been to in my life and have only met the prospective groom 4 or 5 times.

My brother, Podsie, had grumbled to me a few weeks back "Fuck sake, the party should be on in a pub or something. I'll have to get a lift to the gaff - no way I'm not drinking at that thing". Himself and his missus got the last two spots in my father's car so he could booze away as planned.

Resigned to the fact that we would have to drive down to the middle of nowhere in West Cork, I tapped the Eircode into the car sat-nav and off my wife and I went.

Things didn't start off so well - we pulled up to a massive pile of bricks, down a drive longer than my walk to the local shop. I looked at my missus and said "This can't be it... can it?". There were a few other cars parked up so we decided that it was. Hopped out, grabbed the present, went to the front door, pressed the bell and waited.

And waited. No answer. I went to pressed the bell again and my wife stopped me.

"What?" I asked. "We've been out here for 5 minutes". So I have it another push. Nothing. "Is this the right house?"

"Sounds like there are people inside." said she.

I decided to go with a forceful but jaunty tap-tap-tap-taptap...tap-tap. Nothing.

"I'll go around the back. Maybe the bell is broken".

"No. Don't leave me here in case they come out when you're gone."

"I'll be back in a sec" and I started around the edge of house. I got between the gable end and the separate garage (bigger than the house that I grew up in) when all of a sudden about a dozen security lights flashed on.

It was like the bit on the roof in Guns N' Roses' "Don't Cry" video.

"Who's out there?" came a voice from beyond the dazzle, over the back garden fence.

I turned on my heels and ran back to the front door. My missus was gone. Pulled out my phone and there was a message.

"The door is open".

I left myself in, the party seemed to be in the back of the house. There were a fair few people already and I heard more pulling up. Made my entrance, shook hands with the future bride and groom, located the people that I know and began to calm down a bit.

"The fucking bell definitely isn't working" I crowed to the brother.

"Is it not?" he replied, shrugging and taking a belt off of his beer "We just left ourselves in."

A while later, the house was packed 50 - 60 people floating between the kitchen and the room next to it. Caterers were handing out food and stuff. It was nice bar shaking hands with strangers, having to listen to who they were, how they were related to the groom and then me telling them who I was and so on.

"Still think that it should have been in a pub" said the brother as he ate his 27th cocktail sausage. "I mean, the food is nice and the drink is free but still. Not a lot of craic is there? Didn't Claudia say that there was meant to be a DJ?"

"Dunno." I shrugged as I looked a the lemon and ice in my sparkling water. (Deciding not to drink at these things is a big no-no).

The bride-to-be, was near us so Podsie waved her over.

"Everything thing alright, lads?" she asked "Enjoying yourselves?".

"Yeah. It's lovely" said I.

"Wasn't there supposed to be a DJ?" Podsie enquired.

"Oh, there was. A friend of ours, Darren. But his mam had a fall and had to be taken to hospital."

"Bad one" says I.

"I know but sure what can you do?" said Claudia. "Oh look, that's him. Hi Darren."

Darren the DJ shuffled towards us holding a bottle of Moretti.

"Hi, Claudia. Sorry I couldn't do the music for you tonight. Yourself and Matthew are doing a great job hosting."

"Not at all... These are my..." and she tried to introduce us.

"Were you s'posed to be the DJ?" interjected Podsie.

"Yeah. I was but my mother had a fall and..." replied Darren the DJ.

"And you still came to the party but not to play tunes?" asked Podsie.

"Eh, yeah."

"I see. Did your mother fall onto your record decks or what?"

Fair fucks!!       

[astfgyl]

      

Well it's a fair question!

[jobrok1]

I can't believe I read all that...   

[leoos]

"I see. Did your mother fall onto your record decks or what?"

  

[Snare]

   I love those stories, keep 'em coming please!

[Ducky]

Seen a lad today on a Bolt bike (pedal bike with an electric motor that you can't rent from an app and pay per minute - as a cyclist myself they're horrid things) stopped to have a wee tap on his phone... I was on the bus that had to stop sideways on the road because it couldn't complete its turn due to this dipshit.

Bonus points for him having earbuds in (another huge peeve of mine as a cyclist) and he couldn't hear the bus sitting on its horn for him to move.

Absolute clown shenanigans.