I had a look and didn't see a thread, so here we go ..........
A woman rang the doctor's secretary to find out the
results of her husband test. The nurse asks his name
and the woman says,
"David Green".
The nurse looks through their files and says,
"we have two David Greens, one has Alzheimer's and the other is HIV positive".
The woman says, Oh God what am I going to do?"
And the nurse says, Send him to the shop for a loaf of bread, and if he comes back, don't fuck him".
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and sees her husband isn't there. She gets up and walks around the house and find him sitting in the kitchen. He's looking out the window with a tear in his eye. "What's wrong?", she says. He says, do you remember you father catching us having sex in the back of my car. "Yes", she says, "I could never forget that", and he says, "Do you remember him putting a gun to my head and saying, if you don't marry my daughter I'll make sure you go to jail for 30 years? "Oh yes I remember" she says. And he starts welling up and his voice cracks and he says, "I would have gotten out today".
A man goes to the doctor and says "doctor I can't pee". The doctor's says, "what age are you?" And the man says "I'm 93". And the doctor says, you've pee'd enough"
What goes in and out and smells of pee?
Granny doing the hokey cokey.
What's blue and fucks old people?
Me in my lucky blue coat.
:laugh:
https://youtu.be/vbLf9Ixf7Z8
How you recycle tampons?
Tea bags for vampires
What do you call a black man flying an airplane?
A pilot, you racist cunt.
Quote from: Kunt 4 Life on May 14, 2019, 08:44:17 PM
How you recycle tampons?
Tea bags for vampires
Vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. Barman goes "I thought ye drank blood". Vampire pulls out a used tampon and goes "Ah I'm only having a cup of tea".
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Hes married. She won't let him out of the house.
Lastly a terrible one that I love.
How does an Eskimo put his house together?
He glues it.
A man in his 50's hires a girl who's in her early 20's to work in the office. She's beautiful. And over the course of the next few weeks he keeps asking her out and she refuses. Eventually she says yes.
So they go to a restaurant and orders the soup, the pasta, the lobster, the stake, half a chocolate cake for dessert. Watching her he asks, "Does your mother cook for you like this? And she says, "No, but my mother's not trying to fuck me".
What do you do if you're in the jungle and you come across a lion?
Wipe it off and say you're sorry
Quote from: livingabortion on May 15, 2019, 11:00:20 AM
A man in his 50's hires a girl who's in her early 20's to work in the office. She's beautiful. And over the course of the next few weeks he keeps asking her out and she refuses. Eventually she says yes.
So they go to a restaurant and orders the soup, the pasta, the lobster, the stake, half a chocolate cake for dessert. Watching her he asks, "Does your mother cook for you like this? And she says, "No, but my mother's not trying to fuck me".
Huh?
Her mother doesn't go out of her way to impress her because she doesn't want to fuck her but the boss has been trying to fuck her for a while so he goes the extra mile and cooks her an elaborate meal to impress her. That's the punchline. Good, isn't it.
But they're in a restaurant, and why is he in his 50s? Or even her boss? No connection to the punchline at all :abbath:
Weren't they at a restaurant though...
Brain melted.
Whats brown and runny?
Usain Bolt
Quote from: Black Shepherd Carnage on May 15, 2019, 09:57:20 PM
But they're in a restaurant, and why is he in his 50s? Or even her boss? No connection to the punchline at all :abbath:
The boss and the chef are hoping to 4- ball her?
What's blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
Quote from: livingabortion on May 15, 2019, 11:00:20 AM
A man in his 50's hires a girl who's in her early 20's to work in the office. She's beautiful. And over the course of the next few weeks he keeps asking her out and she refuses. Eventually she says yes.
So they go to a restaurant and orders the soup, the pasta, the lobster, the stake, half a chocolate cake for dessert. Watching her he asks, "Does your mother cook for you like this? And she says, "No, but my mother's not trying to fuck me".
I thought the joke said it all :laugh:
Have some I made up:
What board game was so popular people were lining up around the block to play it? Queuedo.
How did the Ancient Celts find their way around? They used woad signs.
Did you hear that Yorkshire has declared independence and acquired its own air force? They now have squadrons of Whitby jets.
Apparently The Grateful Dead wrote a concept album about marmalade once. It didn't sell that well though as they were known as more of a jam band.
What did the man do before eating the snow? He gritted his teeth.
When did humanity develop its sophisticated sense of humour? The Irony Age.
Why were WW1 aircraft construction workers often high? They were working with doped fabric.
Why is there a statue of the Emperor Franz Josef standing in the main town square in Builth Wells? Because he was an important figure in the Central Powys.
Where did the monarch get his bread made? At the King's Mill.
What bread is made in Brighton? Hove-is.
What did King Arthur do when he won the lottery? He bought Camelot.
What's the most untrustworthy financial institution found in Shakespeare? Wells Iago.
I'm sorry. I can't play Chopin that loud. Piano is not my forte....
What happened when the pilgrim progressed? He got a bunion.
What did Sherlock Holmes say at the end of spring? Elementary my dear Whitsun.
Why did the mathemetician take a trigonometric calculator to the beach? BeCOS there were SINs that it was going to be sunny and he wanted to get a TAN.
I can't even contemplate how many levels of shite that is. Fuck off!
Time to close this thread.
I think they are brilliant. Could be a future in Christmas crackers there.
How did the priest find the boy in the woods?
.
.
.
.
Very good......
A mathematician is working on a new formula that involves many complimentary shapes. He's worked out the correct dimensions for the square, the circle and the rectangle, but the correct triangle for the equation is still needed. However, he's also busy doing the formulae for the existing shapes, and so he delegates the task of drawing up the correct triangle to his assistant.
He gives the assistant the necessary instructions, and leaves him to it. An hour later the assistant appears with a triangle drawn on a bit of paper.
"No!" the mathematician cries. "That's an isosceles triangle you've drawn! Not what I need for my formula! Please go back and try again."
Grudgingly, the assistant returns to his desk and spend the next few hours studying the set up and the instructions. He returns to the mathematician once again.
"NO!!!" the mathematician cries. "That's an equilateral triangle you've drawn! Please study the formula carefully and get it correct! I laid down specific requirements!"
The assistant is getting annoyed now, but he silently goes back to his desk and draws up another triangle which he shows to the mathematician by the end of the working day.
"NOOOO!!!" the mathematician groans. "That's a scalene triangle! The degrees are all wrong!" He pauses to regain composure. "OK" he says to his assistant. "Let's sleep on this. Go home and get some rest and tomorrow we can start again."
He shuts up his office and him and the assistant go home.
Next morning, the assistant arrives early and drawns up yet another triangle carefully. But when the mathematician arrives, he's still not satisfied.
"NO!" he wails. "That's yet another equilateral triangle you've drawn! Please, please, please just study the formula and get this correct!"
The assistant is very fed up, but perseveres. He returns to his desk and spends a good few hours drawing up the perfect triangle for the formula. This time, when he presents it, the mathematician responds with a deep sigh of relief.
"Finally!" he smiles. "That's the right angled triangle."
Whats green and invisible.?
This invisible cabbage
Whats brown and sticky?
This brown stchick
Quote from: Cosmic_Equilibrium on September 18, 2019, 06:35:58 PM
A mathematician is working on a new formula that involves many complimentary shapes. He's worked out the correct dimensions for the square, the circle and the rectangle, but the correct triangle for the equation is still needed. However, he's also busy doing the formulae for the existing shapes, and so he delegates the task of drawing up the correct triangle to his assistant.
He gives the assistant the necessary instructions, and leaves him to it. An hour later the assistant appears with a triangle drawn on a bit of paper.
"No!" the mathematician cries. "That's an isosceles triangle you've drawn! Not what I need for my formula! Please go back and try again."
Grudgingly, the assistant returns to his desk and spend the next few hours studying the set up and the instructions. He returns to the mathematician once again.
"NO!!!" the mathematician cries. "That's an equilateral triangle you've drawn! Please study the formula carefully and get it correct! I laid down specific requirements!"
The assistant is getting annoyed now, but he silently goes back to his desk and draws up another triangle which he shows to the mathematician by the end of the working day.
"NOOOO!!!" the mathematician groans. "That's a scalene triangle! The degrees are all wrong!" He pauses to regain composure. "OK" he says to his assistant. "Let's sleep on this. Go home and get some rest and tomorrow we can start again."
He shuts up his office and him and the assistant go home.
Next morning, the assistant arrives early and drawns up yet another triangle carefully. But when the mathematician arrives, he's still not satisfied.
"NO!" he wails. "That's yet another equilateral triangle you've drawn! Please, please, please just study the formula and get this correct!"
The assistant is very fed up, but perseveres. He returns to his desk and spends a good few hours drawing up the perfect triangle for the formula. This time, when he presents it, the mathematician responds with a deep sigh of relief.
"Finally!" he smiles. "That's the right angled triangle."
Okay, we now know where the motherlode of mushies went.. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I'm calling the guards.
A man is looking for a new car, but he doesn't have much money. He tries all round the local second hand car dealerships but without success. Even the most basic car is out of his budget.
Then, he comes across a curious new car dealership that has just opened on the edge of town. The forecourt is full of gleaming high-end sports cars - Mercs, BMWs, Ferarris, Mclarens, you name it, and they're not even secondhand - they're new. He stops in amazement, and then notices a sign taped to the door of the dealership. "These cars cannot be bought with money, but instead can be exchanged for one bag of herbs."
He reads the notice several times, in stunned silence, then goes inside and speaks to the dealer. Yes, the notice is real. No, it's not a joke, the cars on the forecourt genuinely are for sale for the price of one bag of any herb of the buyer's choice.
In a tremendous excitement, he sprints back home and raids the spice cupboard. Eventually he manages to accumulate several jars worth of thyme into a small carrier bag, and races back to the dealership for his new car.
There's no problem at all. The bag of herbs is taken, examined, weighed and judged by the dealer to be adequate in quantity and quality. The man is ecstatic. He signs the necessary paperwork, and drives off in a shiny new Lamborghini. He cannot believe he's managed to get such a great car for a bag of thyme, and he immediately decides to go and show off his new acquisition to his friend who lives nearby.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he is surprised to see that his friend has also acquired a sports car - a gleaming Bugatti, which he's carefully washing down in the driveway.
The man pulls up and gets out of the Lamborghini, and greets his friend.
"I see you've got a new motor too!" he exclaims. His friend nods.
"Yeah. Funny thing really. Got it from a little dealership on the edge of town. They were giving cars away in exchange for a bag of herbs."
"No way!" the man exclaims. "That's what I did too!"
He points to his Lamborghini. "This cost me just one bag of thyme. Amazing, isn't it?"
His friend nods in agreement.
"Yeah. This Bugatti cost me a mint."
When did the man know he was nearing Brighton? When it Hove into view on the horizon.
What happened when the indecisive man set off from the capital city for Cork? He kept Dublin back.
Many centuries ago a large sea creature rose from the depths and tried to invade Wales, that's why they installed a Fishguard.
I like the middle of Scotland, the cities are just Perthect there.
Keep 'em coming Frankie B.....
jesus christ what's going on in this thread..
Quote from: Pedrito on September 19, 2019, 07:40:48 AM
jesus christ what's going on in this thread..
I don't know, it's a joke.
Heartwarming to hear that after sixteen years of retirement, Sean Connery has finally found his niche.
She was in the back garden playing with his nephew.
Nurse: "What happened to your fingers?"
Me: "You know those chefs who can cut up veggies really fast?"
Nurse: "Yeah"
Me: "I can't do that"
Masochistic Flat Earthers; get free phone abuse by ringing any number you like in Australia at 12 noon GMT and asking if it's sunny outside.
A man goes into a restaurant and orders a coffee. It's served to him in less than 5 seconds. He's stunned and enquires to the waiter how this is possible.
"Well" says the waiter "you did order an expresso."
Most of my jokes are pretty PC, apart from that one I made about the Chief Inspector.
PC = pathetic crap?
Jurgen Klopp decides to come out of retirement and play for Liverpool. He goes into the changing room and finds his team looking glum. "what's up?" he asks. Henderson replies "we're just not motivated for this game! I know it's only Man Utd and they're crap but we can't be bothered!". Klopp says "I reckon I can beat them on my own! You lads go down the pub. So Klopp goes up against Man Utd by himself whilst the Liverpool team goes to the pub. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going so ask the landlord to put the TV on. Liverpool 1 Man Utd 0. Few pints later Hendo says "It must be full time now see how the game finished. Liverpool 1 (Klopp10 mins) Man Utd 1 (Pogba 89 mins )They all rush back to Anfield to congratulate him, only to find him with his head in his hands." I'm so sorry, I've let you all down." "Don't be daft " said Hendo "how on earth have you let us down?" Klopp replies "Cos I got sent off in the 12th minute!! 🙈🙈🙈
I was walking down the road the other day when a friend drove past me in his new car. He saw me and pulled in, rolled down the window and beckoned me over.
“Juggz, I’m in a dilemma.” he said.
They’re nice cars, Dilemmas.
Quote from: Juggz on September 27, 2019, 06:52:48 AM
I was walking down the road the other day when a friend drove past me in his new car. He saw me and pulled in, rolled down the window and beckoned me over.
"Juggz, I'm in a dilemma." he said.
They're nice cars, Dilemmas.
What's it like on juice?
Not as all-embracing as spice.
Starting to see why CT shut down the other site..
Quote from: Pedrito on September 27, 2019, 09:18:40 AM
Starting to see why CT shut down the other site..
He mentioned a nipper a couple of years ago didn't he? So I'm sure parenthood had a small hand on MI's demise somewhat.
Did y'all hear about the farmer with the magic tractor? He turned it into a field. Sorry, I'll get my coat.
Feeling pretty down lately. My friend tries to help, keeps telling me to cheer up - "it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a wet hole."
I know he means well.
Quote from: Scáthach on October 08, 2019, 03:12:58 PM
Did y'all hear about the farmer with the magic tractor? He turned it into a field. Sorry, I'll get my coat.
Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award? He was out standing in his field.
What do fat birds and mopeds have in common?
They're great fun to ride but you wouldn't want your mates to see you with one.
Arlene Foster is touring the countryside in her Chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Arlene in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur.......
"You get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving; go and tell the farmer," says Arlene
Five hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you?" asks Arlene .
The chauffeur replies: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks Arlene
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them....
"I'm Arlene Foster's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."
A woman rings the Doctor to get her husband's results and the Secretary ask for his name.
"David Green" the woman says. "Hold on I'll check", the Secretary says. After a minute she comes back and says "There's 2 David Green's on record and one has amnesia and the other has A.I.D.S.", and the woman go highly worried. "Oh Jesus, oh no what will I do?". "If I can make a suggestion", the Secretary says. "Send him to the shop for bread, and if he comes back, don't fuck him".
"Update the force, Luke."
Adobe Wan Kenobi
My girlfriend was trying to help me improve my cunnilingus technique.
"Just imagine you're taking a long lick of a cool ice-cream," she coaxed.
A couple of seconds later she screamed, "Ow! What the fuck was that?"
I replied, "Sorry, just biting the end off the Flake."
(https://pics.me.me/ais-okay-if-i-numb-you-a-illustrated-litlebeforefroceeding-with-23107414.png)
A black man walks into a record store and asked the the employee have anything by the doors. the employee yes a camera and an alarm.
A woman rings up emergency services and says: "Hello! Hello! Help! My water just broke!"
The operator responds: "Ok, just stay calm, could you tell me where you're ringing from?"
To which she replies: "From me gee down to me ankles!
Quote from: Kurt Cocaine on September 18, 2019, 01:05:39 PM
I can't even contemplate how many levels of shite that is. Fuck off!
Time to close this thread.
YOU ARE A MISERABLE CUNT :laugh:
Patient : OK Doctor what's the prognosis.
Doctor: pretty bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers.
Patient : well at least I don't have cancer.
How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Steven.
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine ...
Clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.
I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.
I asked my girlfriend would she perform a sex act on me with a set of keys, but she just fobbed me off instead.
Doctor gave a man six months to live. He couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
All I did was push my wife during an argument. Now she's moved into a hostel, called The Tempura Shelter. It's for "lightly battered " women.
How can you tell when your boyfriend is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
I have just accidentally swallowed one of my cats worming tablets don't ask meow
I'm from Detroit...we're not the murder capital because we're more violent; we're just better fuckin'' shots".
Ted Nugent - The pants shitting, draft dodging, racist redneck pedo.
Marvel have announced their first transgender super hero. Wonder Womb-man in cinemas this summer.
https://toiletovhell.com/the-serpentine-path-or-the-greatest-story-ever-told/
Quote from: nukeabuse on August 13, 2020, 02:02:21 AM
https://toiletovhell.com/the-serpentine-path-or-the-greatest-story-ever-told/
"Thanks" so much for this......if there ever was a time waster....... :)
"Excuse me, doctor. My husband has just been rushed into the hospital with violent spasms in his buttocks!!
I'm ringing in to see how he is?"
"Where is he please?"
"ICU baby, shaking that ass.!!"
Fuck sake 😂😂
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Law of averages said there had to be a great joke in here eventually! :P
And the best part is, is that fookin tune sticks in yer head all day... :laugh: 8)
Did you hear about the Irish queer?
He preferred women to alcohol.
;D
8)
;D
This horse is amazing :-)
Quote from: Kurt Cocaine on April 01, 2021, 12:03:47 PM
;D
:laugh:
Wife came in the other day and I told her be quiet while I turn off the laptop and phone. Why?, she asks. Because I think these devices are listening to us, I said.
How she laughed.
Then Siri laughed, then google assistant laughed, and Alexa laughed too.
:laugh:
It's not even funny though... Ugh..
:-X
How do you make a gay man have sex with a woman?
Shit in her cunt.
https://mobile.twitter.com/buitengebieden_/status/1381325245089452038/video/1
8)
https://youtu.be/UkRtT1UCyqM
Giggly
::)
An old one, many will have heard it but it popped into my head..
Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre..
.. so the barman gives her one.
What's small blue and parents scream at the sight of it?
Cot Death.
A guy goes to confessions and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, it's been 6 weeks since my last confession. I had lustful thoughts about a women in work"
The Priest says, "Say three hour Fathers and two hail Mary's"
A woman goes in and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned, it's been 4 months since my last confession. I has sex with my boss"
Say 4 Hail Mary's and 2 Our Father's".
So the next guy goes and in and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned, it's been 4 weeks since my last confession. I got a blowjob off my neighbour wife"
The Priest thinks a moment and then sticks his head out of the box and shouts out to an Altar Boy, "What does Fr. Murphy for a blowjob?"? and the Altar Boy says, " Two Mars Bars and a packets of crisp".
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
"Do not touch" must be the scariest thing to read in braille.
In honor of the Paralympics
What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics?
Being able to walk.
What gender did Michael Jackson identify as?
He/he
Quote from: The Butcher on August 20, 2021, 10:18:12 PM"Do not touch" must be the scariest thing to read in braille.
Lol it must
Quote from: Giggles on March 07, 2023, 10:06:14 PMWhat gender did Michael Jackson identify as?
He/he
Definitely robbing that :laugh:
Quote from: Eoin McLove on March 08, 2023, 10:23:02 AMQuote from: Giggles on March 07, 2023, 10:06:14 PMWhat gender did Michael Jackson identify as?
He/he
Definitely robbing that :laugh:
I already robbed it for the lunch canteen.
Quote from: Ollkiller on March 08, 2023, 01:33:52 PMQuote from: Eoin McLove on March 08, 2023, 10:23:02 AMQuote from: Giggles on March 07, 2023, 10:06:14 PMWhat gender did Michael Jackson identify as?
He/he
Definitely robbing that :laugh:
I already robbed it for the lunch canteen.
Told it to 3 people at work today and they all guessed it. Fuck sake
If you chop a horse in half and clap the two sides together, it sounds like someone riding a coconut.
I wonder if the Arachnophobia Helpline have a web site....
Quote from: The Butcher on October 06, 2023, 10:29:13 AMI wonder if the Arachnophobia Helpline have a web site....
:laugh: :laugh: :abbath:
Quote from: Giggles on March 07, 2023, 10:06:14 PMWhat gender did Michael Jackson identify as?
He/he
:laugh: :laugh: :abbath:
Quote from: Eoin McLove on June 03, 2023, 03:43:24 AMIf you chop a horse in half and clap the two sides together, it sounds like someone riding a coconut.
:laugh: :laugh: :abbath:
"This next song is about subtraction."
"Take it away guys."
(https://scontent-dub4-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.18169-9/11259318_10204093853132350_2799083099615529556_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5f2048&_nc_ohc=hARutXnMJBsQ7kNvgFx4ArF&_nc_ht=scontent-dub4-1.xx&oh=00_AYAcDANcRH8SHHFHMBZpv44v-qEMpl-_Gc_Qf8sOmNgVSg&oe=666590FB)
My wife was reading Cosmopolitan magazine in bed last night and said to me, "It says here that most women get bored with their husband's sexual efforts after a few years of marriage."
"Really love?" I replied, as I continued to thrust away.
Quote from: The Heretic on May 10, 2024, 11:52:32 AMMy wife was reading Cosmopolitan magazine in bed last night and said to me, "It says here that most women get bored with their husband's sexual efforts after a few years of marriage."
"Really love?" I replied, as I continued to thrust away.
Are you still thrusting man? I just leave the rotten little thing resting on her mound until we both feel bad enough to turn away
For some reason I find this funny as fuck...
:laugh:
Liam Payne....sure he only went one direction in the end!
He was listening to Down.
https://blabbermouth.net/news/green-day-korn-and-sleep-token-to-headline-2025-edition-of-u-k-s-download-festival (https://blabbermouth.net/news/green-day-korn-and-sleep-token-to-headline-2025-edition-of-u-k-s-download-festival)
A termite walks into a pub and asks:
"Is the bar tender here?"
:laugh: good man I love a good shit one. I'll be drawing that one out at the work breakfast table in the morning
Not exactly a joke in itself, but I was chatting to a colleague one day and they were quite straight laced, found it hard to get a decent craic out of em so I started steering the conversation to things about the current state of the world and new inventions and whatnot and eventually got to greening and environmental solutions and after a few bits about recycling and raw materials and how do we get away from thermosetting plastics etc I says
did you see the new thing that Honda are after developing?
No says she, what is it?
Well, I says they're after developing a new car made from recycled timber that requires no metal parts.. a bit like the little gun yer man had in In The Line Of Fire.
What do you mean she says.
Well it's a wooden car, with a wooden engine
and they're putting it through the testing for commercial production at the minute.
And do you think they'll have it ready soon?
Well no...
It wooden work!!
She didn't even laugh :)
She wasn't my first victim either
:laugh:
My current favourite...
What is long, green and smells of bacon?
Kermit's fingers.
Why didn't Elton John eat the lettuce?
Because he's a rocket man
When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he has his head up a skirt and then he's agobblin'
Quote from: Giggles on December 21, 2024, 11:01:03 AMWhy didn't Elton John eat the lettuce?
Because he's a rocket man
I'm borrowing this, fuck's sake :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Had a friend who went to study Egyptology in college for several years but couldn't get a job for love nor money when he graduated so now he's going back to do his masters to be able to teach the subject to others and get a job in it that way.
Whole thing is just a big pyramid scheme really
:laugh:
Collecting the dole with his pHD in his hand.
And not even an extra tenner to feed the dog for it :laugh:
2 priests driving through the countryside get pulled over by the cops. The cops tell them we're looking for 2 child molesters. The 2 priests looked at each other, smirked and said 'we'll do it'.
Quote from: Eoin McLove on December 23, 2024, 11:20:46 PM:laugh:
Collecting the dole with his pHD in his hand.
As the adage goes; what does parking in the Sligo IT car park for four years do? Increase the class of conversation in the dole queue :laugh:
Quote from: open face surgery on December 24, 2024, 12:27:20 AM2 priests driving through the countryside get pulled over by the cops. The cops tell them we're looking for 2 child molesters. The 2 priests looked at each other, smirked and said 'we'll do it'.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
On a slightly related but somewhat random note: me and my cousin were thumbing a lift one day when we were about 12 and we were having no joy at all so we said maybe if we show a bit of leg we'll have more luck? Well anyway we pulled up the jeans past the knee and would you believe it the first car that saw us pulls up so we run on and hop in and lo and behold it's a fucking priest.
I'm choosing to believe he was just being decent because he didn't try to rape us at all tbf, but there was a nagging doubt that persists to this day that maybe I just wasn't good looking enough.
Maybe an oul ride would have reassured me. And here was I, thinking that a man of God would be able to ease my self doubt.
Also I was an Altarboy for around 2 years and not as much as a cheeky wink from the parish priests, never mind a good bumming. Fuck sake why did I have to bring the rejections back up for myself.
Fuck you and your joke
So ....who wants to head over to Santa's house and totally thrash the place seen as he is going to be out all night?! :abbath:
Quote from: astfgyl on December 24, 2024, 01:01:04 AMQuote from: open face surgery on December 24, 2024, 12:27:20 AM2 priests driving through the countryside get pulled over by the cops. The cops tell them we're looking for 2 child molesters. The 2 priests looked at each other, smirked and said 'we'll do it'.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
On a slightly related but somewhat random note: me and my cousin were thumbing a lift one day when we were about 12 and we were having no joy at all so we said maybe if we show a bit of leg we'll have more luck? Well anyway we pulled up the jeans past the knee and would you believe it the first car that saw us pulls up so we run on and hop in and lo and behold it's a fucking priest.
I'm choosing to believe he was just being decent because he didn't try to rape us at all tbf, but there was a nagging doubt that persists to this day that maybe I just wasn't good looking enough.
Maybe an oul ride would have reassured me. And here was I, thinking that a man of God would be able to ease my self doubt.
Also I was an Altarboy for around 2 years and not as much as a cheeky wink from the parish priests, never mind a good bumming. Fuck sake why did I have to bring the rejections back up for myself.
Fuck you and your joke
That's funny
Given the current state of things in California, I'm going to haul out this classic - a favourite of mine.
With the wildfires raging in Los Angeles and no solution in sight, the mayor of the city calls in all of her aides and advisors.
"What the hell are gonna do? Do we just let the city burn? We have tried everything! EVERY-GATDANGED-THING!"
A dumb silence falls over the room.
"Nobody has an answer?!" wails the mayor "We tried smokejumpers, water deluge tactics, even the guys that quenched those oil field fires in Kuwait! Are you all telling me that there's nobody left?"
A young intern clears his throat "Um... there is one team that I found on social media that might be able to do it. They are from a place called Rathkeale in County Limerick".
"Where the hell is County Limerick?"
"Ireland, ma'am".
"What do these Irish guys want?"
"Um... they want 400,000 of their Euros each... paid in uh, cash and in grocery bags."
"Jee-Zuss Keyrist! Is that all? That's not even a million bucks, right?!"
"No, ma'am. But they have another condition."
"Which is?"
"They want themselves and their service vehicle transported directly from Shannon airport to the site on an aircraft carrier."
"Do it!".
24 hours later, a USAF transporter touches down a few hundred metres from the blaze with the mayor and her aides looking on in bleak hopeful desperation.
As the tail ramp of the carrier drops, there's the sound of an engine gunning like fuck. As soon as the ramp touches the ground, a Hi-Ace flies out the back of the carrier at 180kmph. Whoooooooooosh!
The Hi-Ace rips by the mayor and her aides who only catch a brief glimpse of these two heroes - Pa John, the driver and John Paul riding shotgun - before the van screams into the middle of the inferno, flames licking all sides it.
Pa John and John Paul in unison jump out of the Hi-Ace and are immediately engulfed in flames. Through the haze, the onlookers can hear screaming;
"Yeh, fuhhin shite-in-a-bucket yeh!" - Pa John
"Ah swur up on deh hol-ah pit-chure, ah'll fuhhin kill-oo, you flame bastard!" - John Paul
The two lads have their coats off and are whipping the flames.
"Ah tellah no lie, it's roastin' in huur"
John Paul pulls his lad out and starts pissing on the flames while Pa John takes off his vest and starts kicking earth toward the fire.
Miraculously, after 25 minutes, the caravan enthusiasts have the blaze under control. So much so that the mayor sends in the fire dept. to help.
She runs toward Pa John and John Paul "Gentlemen! What can I say? This is amazing! You were so brave driving right into those flames. I have never seen anything like it."
"Give us ar fuhhin' munney" chokes John Paul.
"Of course. What are you going to do with the cash?"
"Furst ting in-anyway is to get dem brakes on dat Hi-Ace fixed."
Jokes aside I think a Go Fund Me page for poor Miss Hilton is in order
A lad just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.
I said, fuck that! Knowing my luck I'd win one.
???
:-X
:laugh:
:laugh:
:laugh:
Reminds me of a time years ago I was on a road job with a lad, he was on the digger and I was on a dumper.
I came back after dumping a load and he runs up to me with a wild look in his eyes, "Have you the emergency number for the ESB" he shouts.
"Oh fuck", says I, "what happened?"
"There's a blackout!" says he, pointing to an African fella across the road.
Quote from: son of the Morrigan on January 12, 2025, 02:18:50 AM:laugh:
Reminds me of a time years ago I was on a road job with a lad, he was on the digger and I was on a dumper.
I came back after dumping a load and he runs up to me with a wild look in his eyes, "Have you the emergency number for the ESB" he shouts.
"Oh fuck", says I, "what happened?"
"There's a blackout!" says he, pointing to an African fella across the road.
Reminds me of a theme back in the day when someone would see the odd black lad and say "it's getting awful dark out". I sort of miss the bit of casual racism tbh.
Edit: and Jimmy:
The first black lad in town was called Jimmy (it was actually Olatunde, but Irish lads can't handle that (just think of your local chink restaurateur being called John or Micheal for evidence of same) so Jimmy it had to be) so whenever I was heading through another town and I'd see a Darkie, I'd be like "ah look, there's Jimmy... Well Jimmy". And it wasn't Jimmy's fault, Jimmy was sound as a brown trout (lol, that's a bit like saying the local queers are sound as rainbow trout, but it was actually unintentional)
Simpler, more racist times
Wtf lads fuck off
A friend was diagnosed as mute today....
....Certainly kept that one quiet.
Jaysus that wind the other day was strong enough to blow a knacker off his sister
(https://i.ibb.co/8VZNMvb/image.png)
Looks like we finally found ourselves a scapegoat.
Everything? Suspended sentence from Nolan then.
(https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/54456361756_f777d6fac4_b.jpg)
Ah lad :laugh: :laugh:
:laugh:
Harsh. But fair. :abbath:
I love be able to afford this but it costs an arm but no leg
Seen on FB:
"Thinking about starting my own record shop that specializes in NSBM. It'll be called the vinyl solution."
:laugh:
Reports of an increase in people complaining they can't remember the sound old cash registers used to make. Experts say it must be catching.
:laugh:
I'm robbing that one.
To Sol a Thane :laugh:
:-[ I was only thinking of that the other day. Sometimes it's better not to even ask...
It was fuckin hilarious though :laugh:
Urf?
Somebody told me that my clothes are gay.
I said ya, they came out of the closet this morning :sniffles:
Quote from: Black Shepherd Carnage on July 01, 2025, 12:42:58 PMReports of an increase in people complaining they can't remember the sound old cash registers used to make. Experts say it must be catching.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I invented the sandal for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
(https://scontent-dub4-1.cdninstagram.com/v/t51.82787-15/549915610_18078833146977343_2377276021499121976_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_e35_tt6&_nc_cat=104&ccb=7-5&_nc_sid=18de74&efg=eyJlZmdfdGFnIjoiU1RPUlkuYmVzdF9pbWFnZV91cmxnZW4uQzMifQ%3D%3D&_nc_ohc=fRcvYMeqIJUQ7kNvwGq5eCR&_nc_oc=Adl9L4eJVsJVoNkOHIXYj8920w9fc-3rO-LiEKZ0pdgrBTe4d69gLb5gzcLGL2GnUCc&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent-dub4-1.cdninstagram.com&_nc_gid=FuF0wfNIoHplMmgmZ1k1Ow&oh=00_AftAiARdoFBxXDlkj9n9oG64jhUNwzVEpU0ug9kKt6Gsnw&oe=6998EE6C)
What do you call a school of philosophical thought that originated from Shropshire?
Salopsism.
How do ships keep up with the news?
Seafax.