Jokes

[Cosmic_Equilibrium]

Have some I made up:

What board game was so popular people were lining up around the block to play it? Queuedo.

How did the Ancient Celts find their way around? They used woad signs.

Did you hear that Yorkshire has declared independence and acquired its own air force? They now have squadrons of Whitby jets.

Apparently The Grateful Dead wrote a concept album about marmalade once. It didn't sell that well though as they were known as more of a jam band.

What did the man do before eating the snow? He gritted his teeth.

When did humanity develop its sophisticated sense of humour? The Irony Age.

Why were WW1 aircraft construction workers often high? They were working with doped fabric.

Why is there a statue of the Emperor Franz Josef standing in the main town square in Builth Wells? Because he was an important figure in the Central Powys.

Where did the monarch get his bread made? At the King's Mill.

What bread is made in Brighton? Hove-is.

What did King Arthur do when he won the lottery? He bought Camelot.

What's the most untrustworthy financial institution found in Shakespeare? Wells Iago.

I'm sorry. I can't play Chopin that loud. Piano is not my forte....

What happened when the pilgrim progressed? He got a bunion.

What did Sherlock Holmes say at the end of spring? Elementary my dear Whitsun.

Why did the mathemetician take a trigonometric calculator to the beach? BeCOS there were SINs that it was going to be sunny and he wanted to get a TAN.

[Kurt Cocaine]

I can't even contemplate how many levels of shite that is. Fuck off!
Time to close this thread.

[Eoin McLove]

I think they are brilliant.  Could be a future in Christmas crackers there.

[Ollkiller]

How did the priest find the boy in the woods?
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Very good......

[Cosmic_Equilibrium]

A mathematician is working on a new formula that involves many complimentary shapes. He's worked out the correct dimensions for the square, the circle and the rectangle, but the correct triangle for the equation is still needed. However, he's also busy doing the formulae for the existing shapes, and so he delegates the task of drawing up the correct triangle to his assistant.

He gives the assistant the necessary instructions, and leaves him to it. An hour later the assistant appears with a triangle drawn on a bit of paper.

"No!" the mathematician cries. "That's an isosceles triangle you've drawn! Not what I need for my formula! Please go back and try again."

Grudgingly, the assistant returns to his desk and spend the next few hours studying the set up and the instructions. He returns to the mathematician once again.

"NO!!!" the mathematician cries. "That's an equilateral triangle you've drawn! Please study the formula carefully and get it correct! I laid down specific requirements!"

The assistant is getting annoyed now, but he silently goes back to his desk and draws up another triangle which he shows to the mathematician by the end of the working day.

"NOOOO!!!" the mathematician groans. "That's a scalene triangle! The degrees are all wrong!" He pauses to regain composure. "OK" he says to his assistant. "Let's sleep on this. Go home and get some rest and tomorrow we can start again."

He shuts up his office and him and the assistant go home.

Next morning, the assistant arrives early and drawns up yet another triangle carefully. But when the mathematician arrives, he's still not satisfied.

"NO!" he wails. "That's yet another equilateral triangle you've drawn! Please, please, please just study the formula and get this correct!"

The assistant is very fed up, but perseveres. He returns to his desk and spends a good few hours drawing up the perfect triangle for the formula. This time, when he presents it, the mathematician responds with a deep sigh of relief.

"Finally!" he smiles. "That's the right angled triangle."

[DeletedUsermNqGIiIuGy]

Whats green and invisible.?

This invisible cabbage

Whats brown and sticky?

This brown stchick

[Kurt Cocaine]

A mathematician is working on a new formula that involves many complimentary shapes. He's worked out the correct dimensions for the square, the circle and the rectangle, but the correct triangle for the equation is still needed. However, he's also busy doing the formulae for the existing shapes, and so he delegates the task of drawing up the correct triangle to his assistant.

He gives the assistant the necessary instructions, and leaves him to it. An hour later the assistant appears with a triangle drawn on a bit of paper.

"No!" the mathematician cries. "That's an isosceles triangle you've drawn! Not what I need for my formula! Please go back and try again."

Grudgingly, the assistant returns to his desk and spend the next few hours studying the set up and the instructions. He returns to the mathematician once again.

"NO!!!" the mathematician cries. "That's an equilateral triangle you've drawn! Please study the formula carefully and get it correct! I laid down specific requirements!"

The assistant is getting annoyed now, but he silently goes back to his desk and draws up another triangle which he shows to the mathematician by the end of the working day.

"NOOOO!!!" the mathematician groans. "That's a scalene triangle! The degrees are all wrong!" He pauses to regain composure. "OK" he says to his assistant. "Let's sleep on this. Go home and get some rest and tomorrow we can start again."

He shuts up his office and him and the assistant go home.

Next morning, the assistant arrives early and drawns up yet another triangle carefully. But when the mathematician arrives, he's still not satisfied.

"NO!" he wails. "That's yet another equilateral triangle you've drawn! Please, please, please just study the formula and get this correct!"

The assistant is very fed up, but perseveres. He returns to his desk and spends a good few hours drawing up the perfect triangle for the formula. This time, when he presents it, the mathematician responds with a deep sigh of relief.

"Finally!" he smiles. "That's the right angled triangle."

Okay, we now know where the motherlode of mushies went.. 

[Eoin McLove]

I'm calling the guards.

[Cosmic_Equilibrium]

A man is looking for a new car, but he doesn't have much money. He tries all round the local second hand car dealerships but without success. Even the most basic car is out of his budget.

Then, he comes across a curious new car dealership that has just opened on the edge of town. The forecourt is full of gleaming high-end sports cars - Mercs, BMWs, Ferarris, Mclarens, you name it, and they're not even secondhand - they're new. He stops in amazement, and then notices a sign taped to the door of the dealership. "These cars cannot be bought with money, but instead can be exchanged for one bag of herbs."

He reads the notice several times, in stunned silence, then goes inside and speaks to the dealer. Yes, the notice is real. No, it's not a joke, the cars on the forecourt genuinely are for sale for the price of one bag of any herb of the buyer's choice.

In a tremendous excitement, he sprints back home and raids the spice cupboard. Eventually he manages to accumulate several jars worth of thyme into a small carrier bag, and races back to the dealership for his new car.

There's no problem at all. The bag of herbs is taken, examined, weighed and judged by the dealer to be adequate in quantity and quality. The man is ecstatic. He signs the necessary paperwork, and drives off in a shiny new Lamborghini. He cannot believe he's managed to get such a great car for a bag of thyme, and he immediately decides to go and show off his new acquisition to his friend who lives nearby.

When he arrives at his friend's house, he is surprised to see that his friend has also acquired a sports car - a gleaming Bugatti, which he's carefully washing down in the driveway.

The man pulls up and gets out of the Lamborghini, and greets his friend.

"I see you've got a new motor too!" he exclaims. His friend nods.

"Yeah. Funny thing really. Got it from a little dealership on the edge of town. They were giving cars away in exchange for a bag of herbs."

"No way!" the man exclaims. "That's what I did too!"

He points to his Lamborghini. "This cost me just one bag of thyme. Amazing, isn't it?"

His friend nods in agreement.

"Yeah. This Bugatti cost me a mint."

[Cosmic_Equilibrium]

When did the man know he was nearing Brighton? When it Hove into view on the horizon.

What happened when the indecisive man set off from the capital city for Cork? He kept Dublin back.

Many centuries ago a large sea creature rose from the depths and tried to invade Wales, that's why they installed a Fishguard.

I like the middle of Scotland, the cities are just Perthect there.

[Kurt Cocaine]

Keep 'em coming Frankie B.....

[Pedrito]

jesus christ what's going on in this thread..

[Kurt Cocaine]

jesus christ what's going on in this thread..

I don't know, it's a joke.

[Kurt Cocaine]

Heartwarming to hear that after sixteen years of retirement, Sean Connery has finally found his niche.

She was in the back garden playing with his nephew.

[Kurt Cocaine]

Nurse: "What happened to your fingers?"

Me: "You know those chefs who can cut up veggies really fast?"

Nurse: "Yeah"

Me: "I can't do that"