Tips for better living

[ochoill]

49.  Keep a slice of raw red onion on your tongue for the day to keep your gums healthy.

50.  No Milk in the house?  Use plain water to cook your Koka Noodles in instead.

[Eoin McLove]

76. If you can't afford a haircut, try going bald.

[Eoin McLove]

21. If the electricity goes out and you can't listen to any music or watch telly, rhythmically flick the radiator with your fingernail as a way to entertain the troops.

[Don Gately]

78. Keep referring to that one gig in the 80s you were at where no one else was at to show that you were into metal on the day it was created.

[astfgyl]

A wank a day keeps the deviance away.

I wonder actually how many people's lives would have been better had they simply had a wank on whatever fateful day that they fucked it all up by dipping the wick? I bet it's loads

[StoutAndAle]

231. Every time someone asks you if you have seen the film [Insert Film Title Here] just reply "No, I want to though so don't spoil it for me" regardless of whether you have already seen it or if you do really want to see it or not.

This way you can be saved the 20 minute discussion about "The bit where...." and also the 85% inaccurate quoting of the film's key lines.

"D'ja know that part where Jules and Vinny go to the apartment to get the Marcus Williams' suitcase back from the boys? And... it's unreal when Sam Jackson does the speech. I'll do it for you - it's my party piece.

Easy Kill 27:15. "The path of the right man is beset on all sides by the inequalities of the selfish... Eh... Ehmmm You know the bit that I mean? Blessed is he who in the name the good shepherds and eeeh.... the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper.... Eh And I will strike down upon you muthafucka's with great vengeance and FURIOUS anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my bruthas!... I'm doing Samuel L. Jackson now see? And you will KNOW my name is the LORD when I lay my revenge-en-gence down on top of ye!

To avoid this;

"Pulp Fiction is a brilliant film."

"Haven't seen it, don't spoil it for me." 

[Eoin McLove]

25. If you ever feel like peeling a tomato, don't.

[Bürggermeister]

92. When standing at a urinal, don't put the blue mints in your mouth.

[Black Shepherd Carnage]

So... wait until you've moved away from the urinal? That makes sense I suppose. Cheers!

[Don Gately]

A wank a day keeps the deviance away.

I wonder actually how many people's lives would have been better had they simply had a wank on whatever fateful day that they fucked it all up by dipping the wick? I bet it's loads

This fo sho. I'm working with a blonde bombshell,  so I'm in and out to the Jack's all day.

[Eoin McLove]

14. If you want to get into stargazing but you're too much of a cheap cunt you buy a telescope, just buy a microscope and swing it around the other way.

[Eoin McLove]

71. If you hate your job, or indeed your entire life, just learn to whistle. Everything is better when you're whistling.

[91/30]

71. If you hate your job, or indeed your entire life, just learn to whistle. Everything is better when you're whistling.

Not if you've ever worked with some old daft eejit prone to tuneless whistling half the day. 

[Eoin McLove]

Whistle along with him.

[Black Shepherd Carnage]

Yeah, I'm with McLove on this one: if you can hear the old daft eejit that just means you're not whistling loud enough yourself. Work on your volume whenever you can, no matter the time or place. You'll be happier in no time!