Tips for better living

[Eoin McLove]

I thought it might be useful to have a thread where we can help each other out by offering good advice. Many of us here have been on the planet for four decades or more so it might be a good thing to offer a bit of our wisdom to the younger members among us. I suppose I'll start with one or two tips of my own.

1. Rather than getting your teeth whitened, consider going a shade darker with your fake tan.

2. If you find your hairline receding but you cannot afford to get plugs,  stick your index finger up your hole and pull backwards. The skin on your noggin will be pulled forward creating the illusion of a youthful mane, and all for the cost of a pair of rubber gloves.

3. If you find yourself getting fatter in middle age, rather than spending valuable time, money and energy going to the gym, just buy a bigger t-shirt. Go two sizes up and you'll be amazed at how your body seems to instantly shrink. It's science.

Anyone else have a few useful tips?

[Eoin McLove]

4. If you are going out in public wearing a particularly tight pair of jeans, carry a straightened coat hanger up your sleeve. If you get an itchy arsehole while walking down the street you can discreetly slide the coat hanger between your cheeks and get right in there.

5. Let's remember the timeless Chinese proverb. If you run out of bogroll, wipe your arse on your hand and wash your hand under the tap. If there is no water,  just walk around with a shitty hand.

6. If you have a frozen frankfurter to eat but your microwave is on the blink,  throw the sausage from hand to hand for an hour or two. You work up an appetite while warming up the sausage. If you have a packet of frozen peas you can keep the whole family busy.

[Eoin McLove]

7. If you're in a conversation and getting over your head, and you start to feel stupid, just make up a few ludicrous lies and present them as facts. You instantly regain the upper hand.

[Bürggermeister]

I knew a guy who lived and breathed #7 and, handily, let you know he was spoofing by adding "No messin'" to the end of every lie.

[StoutAndAle]

    

Brilliant stuff.

[StoutAndAle]

8. Once a month Google "modern music" then remember and drop these names in, and this is crucial -with a breezily casual confidence, when talking to your teenage/young-adult nieces and nephews.

"Hip hop. Yeah, yeah. I keep up with it. Who am I listening to right now? Lil Yachty obviously. And Lil Baby. And Lil Uzi Vert, do you know them?"

It is imperative to use the them pronoun here because;

A. I don't know if any of these people are male or female.

and

B. The little woke bastards will get confused themselves.

This will fall apart if you try to freestyle with 90s horseshit pub-chat like "Obviously I like their first EP more than the album... oh... Lil Yachty hasn't released an album, no? Have you heard, em... the new Arctic Monkeys album?"

[The Wretch]

I knew a guy who lived and breathed #7 and, handily, let you know he was spoofing by adding "No messin'" to the end of every lie.

Yeah, I knew one of those. But instead of "no messin" he added "I swear!" at the end. Or "I shwear" as he said it.

And another who would shamelessly and absurdly act as if that's what he was saying all along when he was called out on his bullshit.

[Eoin McLove]

... which leads us nicely to...

9. If someone asks you your opinion on something and you have no idea what they are talking about, wing it. Never admit ignorance- it's a sign of weakness and no way to get ahead as an adult. Absolutely nobody will take you seriously if you admit you haven't a clue but you would love to hear about it because it sounds fascinating. That is simply social suicide. Bullshit your way to respect.

[Anvil]

10.  If you have a hole in your trousers pocket, you will feel cocky all day. 

[Eoin McLove]

11. If you have a hole in your sock and your big toe keeps popping out, but you can't afford a new pair of socks simply cut off the toe. Socks are for life and toes grow back.

[Maggot Colony]

12. Screaming 'THUG LIFE, BITCH!' just before climaxing will enhance your orgasm regardless of whether you're alone or making sweet love to a willing partner or multiple partners.

[Skott Furys jizz rag]

Violence is usually the correct response to all customer service dealings

[The Great Cull]

When you're up on the labour ward with the missus after the baby has landed and the midwife comes by with tea and toast for one it's not for you...

[StoutAndAle]

#47 - Don't bother with trades people like electricians etc. Anyone can re-wire a house. It's all just a bit of trial and error.

[Black Shepherd Carnage]

#48. That old joke about the constipated maths teacher who worked it out with a pencil... don't knock it is all I'm saying.