The Greatest Lie You Ever Heard

[StoutAndAle]

Back in the 90s, when we didn't have computers in our pockets that could debunk bullshit, I went to college with a lad who told some incredible tall tales. Ones you wouldn't even need a calculator watch to disprove. But he had some neck on him all the same. Here's the one that finished him though.

One night there was a few of us out in town. Fred Zeppelins. DJ Steve was playing his usual mix of stuff and threw on "Love Her Madly".

This young wan (I was also young - no relevance to the story but I feel the need to remind myself) starts dancing in the faux-witchy woman bordering on trainee stripper style when they think that they're throwing shapes like Stevie Nicks but more resemble Stevie Nichol taking a penno (if you were around in the mid 90s, you'll remember this). The spoofer starts cracking onto her.

"Do you like this tune?" he asks.

"Yeah! I love it."

"My uncle was in the band. He was the bass player."

Song ends, off she fucks – your man is back with us having a pull on his pint.

One of the guys at our table looks at him quizzically and asks;

"Was your uncle in The Doors?"

"Hah? Oh yeah, yeah."

"He played on a session?"

"No. He was IN The Doors. Bass player."

"Which one of them is he?" says one of the lads nodding to a Doors poster almost cinematically positioned directly behind Spoofballs McGinty.

He turns and looks at it for a second.

"You don't recognise your own uncle"

"There" he says pointing at John Densmore.

"That's John Densmore" says I.

"Yeah, my uncle John. He emigrated to the States in the 70s".

And with that, young Icarus had flown to close to the bullshit sun and our table erupted. 

[Black Shepherd Carnage]

"throwing shapes like Stevie Nicks but more resemble Stevie Nichol taking a penno"

On first read, I thought this was a reference to those getting coke blown up her hole Stevie Nicks stories, just with a bic instead of a straw 

Might have that second coffee after all...

[Paul keohane]

I presume you've all got the work fitness bluffer in your jobs?.
The fat cunt who blows on about going the gym,run,swim ever day but his body shape never changes?,in fact gets fatter?.

Some stories out of a fella in our place,out running army rangers etc,does this ballbag actually think we're swallowing  this scutter!?

[StoutAndAle]

I presume you've all got the work fitness bluffer in your jobs?.
The fat cunt who blows on about going the gym,run,swim ever day but his body shape never changes?,in fact gets fatter?.

Some stories out of a fella in our place,out running army rangers etc,does this ballbag actually think we're swallowing  this scutter!?

We used to have a lad working here who "had trials with Arsenal, QPR and Everton but no matter how good he was it was all down to prejudice against the Irish in the 90s. If you were Irish, you'd be overlooked" - you know, the 90s - Steve Staunton, Roy Keane, Denis Irwin, Gary Kelly etc. overlooked. 

Anyway long story short (for once, I will try to keep it short) we had a charity match against a rival company. This lad wouldn't come to 5-a-side training or anything. "No need lads, your touch never leaves you. I'm still playing for Castleview at the weekends sure". After months of slagging and so on, the match was played. 11-a-side, full pitch, no limit subs.

Our Pele appears just as we're kicking off. Brand new Adidas boots and all. As in out of the box new, they've never been played in. "Bring us on!"

Our company owner/team manager tells him to pipe down. Game kicks off. Good fun. Bit of slagging on the pitch. I am not much of a footballer myself and have no illusions of such but I love football so I'm doing my best - as are most of the lads. About ten minutes in I hear my name from the boss - next dead ball I'm to come off. Suits me, I'm fucking goosed.

"Hard luck, shams" says Pele as he trots on past me and the other 3 lads who are coming off for a breather. Match restarts. Pele is playing up front after being told to drop into centre-half, goal hanging like mad, no tracking back and bursts of "HERE!" and "GIVE IT!" are ringing out through the air. After about another 5 minutes the opposition scores.

"Offside, ref - for fuck sake!" says Pele - it's nowhere near offside and was, to be fair, a great goal.

Kick-off is taken by us quickly and one of our handier lads pings a diagonal ball that Paul Scholes would have been delighted with over their defence and onto one of the boys who takes in down like a fat Zidane. Pele has somehow gotten himself free and into the box. "GIIIIIIIIIIIIVE IT!"

Fat Zidane dinks it past their keeper and onto Pele who doesn't need to take one of his famous touches and rockets the ball over the crossbar of an open goal from about 9 yards.

The entire side line of both teams are roaring laughing and at the same time fucking your man out of it. He's immediately taken off all the while whinging that fat Zidane played the ball behind him. He didn't.

One of ours lads is back on and marking a fella who plays for Castleview.

"Does Pele do that when he's playing with you guys?"

"I've never seen that fella before in my life."

[uncle flacid]

Hahah very good. Is that Castleview the Cork team? i'm sure they knocked us out of the national cup u-16,12 years ago! could be wrong.

I remember a lad in school who used to be the biggest bullshitter it was actually entertaining.
Same lad who went on to become one of those people who speaks up about bullying as a victim on Facebook. Same lad bullied every fat person in the school who all weren't as fat as him. He was funny in his own way though besides the lies.

[kiehozero]

Ah christ lads like this absolutely make my day, and I've been lucky enough to encounter a few of them in my time. My favourite thing is how the lie is always so pointless or easily proven as a lie. I can half-forgive it happening when you are a kid as they often seem a way of fitting in or getting an identity (see the first two below), but people doing it as adults just smacks of arrogance and thinking everyone will believe your shite.

Grew up in a village where a farmer had hired quite a few Portuguese people as labourers. After one of their kids picked up a local bird, a lad told everyone that he was half-Portuguese and had lived there for a few years, thinking a bit of Latin spirit would help with the lasses. First chance we got we asked the lads who was actually Portuguese to start a conversation with him, which popped the bullshitter's balloon pretty quickly. He tried to row back by saying he spoke a different dialect, but his race was run at that point. We started secondary school around the time that Will Smith released 'Miami' and he told us him and his dad had gone to the wedding wearing the palm tree suit that the Fresh Prince wore in the video.

In the first or second year of high school, WWF hit that wave of popularity it gets every now and again and the same lad immediately told us how his dad used to take him to all the pay-per-view events. This was turn of the millennium so it wasn't unreasonable for him to get to a Manchester or London show once a year, but he was all in for every Wrestlemania and the like. One Tuesday morning he came in to roll call and started loudly yawning every few seconds, holding his eyes open with his fingers and the like. When we finally gave in and asked him what was wrong, he said he'd flown in from Monday Night Raw and had come straight into school. We asked him what the results were, needless to say we hit those 56k modems for all they were worth when we got home and saw that every single match and result was complete bollocks.

After we all started getting into rock and metal music around 2000, he told us that the reason Slipknot had used slipknot1.com as their website was because he owned slipknot.com, and that they'd flown him to California a couple of weekends in a row giving him free merch and tickets trying to get him to sell it. One week he told us he was heading to LA for the weekend to meet them again, even though they were halfway through a European tour, and even so someone saw him on the Saturday morning paper round. He then told us his cousin (presumably not on the Portuguese side) was the singer in a decent emo/post-hardcore band called Hell is for Heroes. We had tickets to their gig in Manchester that May and he promised to meet us there and get us backstage, needless to say he never showed up and said that he'd got into a fight on the train to the gig.

Last I heard he was unfortunately struggling with alcohol, but he was attempting to pass himself as a 'Grade 8 guitar teacher', but his adverts stressed that he'd be teaching TABLATURE EXCLUSIVELY. Weird to get all the way to grade 8 only to sack it all off for some .txt files on ultimate-guitar.com.

[kiehozero]

Fucking hell that was a bit long, I've split it into two parts, what a laugh I've had remembering all of this though:

Another lad who grew up in the same village as him was one of those lads who tries to be a fan of every sport possible, but always claims some deep spiritual link to a team. He has simultaneously claimed US, Canadian, Scottish and Irish ancestry (his surname is Casey to be fair), as well as being a cousin of Jeremy Irons. He followed New England Patriots and the Toronto Maple Leafs because his grandad played for both, when he started watching rugby at Wigan with us it was because his grandad was the timekeeper (the worst made-up reason I've ever heard for anything ever), and he was also surely the only person in history who supported both Roscommon GAA and Glasgow Rangers, due to the ever-prolific grandfather as well. As soon as he heard I was moving to Ireland he dialled up the GAA love again and told me he'd been having trials with the Lancashire hurling team (unbelievably this is real thing... the team, not the trials) despite never having played before. If there's any sport you surely can't just pick up in a couple of weeks it is hurling, although for a man who has, wink wink, variously had trials with Everton, Liverpool, Lancashire's cricket team and various England ice hockey teams, perhaps the clash of ash is not beyond him.

Another lad back home I've known for years is generally sound but he reckons he's met every celebrity ever. Inevitably you'll be drinking and some lad comes on the TV or up in conversation, then the same story comes out that he saw him at the pub and offer him a beer. Like Alan Partridge's book, where inevitably each story ends with "Needless to say, I had the last laugh," Mike always ends every celebrity pint session with is "everyone just had chilled out with a few beers and had a good laugh." Myself and friends have heard this story told about Scott Ian, Jason Robinson, Wade Barrett, Roy Evans, Ricky Tomlinson, pretty much any band that has played at ArcTanGent and the entire Leeds Rhinos rugby team. He came to Temples in Bristol with us a few years ago and stuck to us like glue for the entire weekend. He went missing for half an hour and came back to tell us that he'd met Jacob Bannon from Converge, and that they had, yes "just chilled out with a few beers and had a good laugh." Bannon is straight-edge.

Last but not least is a lad I knew in sixth-form, who had been christened Jonny Q Bullshit by lads who went to secondary school with him. He was a decent guitar player but way overstated his tools. He had the same Squier strat everybody does when they are 16, no shame in that, but he claimed it was some high-end Paul Reed Smith, and that he stuck a Squier sticker on (and scratched the serial number off!!!!!) so it wouldn't get nicked. One morning he came in and immediately told everyone that he'd tried to learn a Dream Theater solo for two hours the previous night, but couldn't do it so trashed three PRS guitars in a fit of rage, and that his producer had threatened to quit because he was too extreme (I'm hoping that's where Morbid Angel and Heavy D got the song title from). Another time he claimed to be the all-time highest poster on the Fear Factory forums and that Dino Cazares invited him to tour with them because he used the same guitar and sounded like "he could play the songs as well I can". I'm not sure I'm 100% correct but I think Dino had left the band by that point.

In second year he claimed to be going out with a girl in first year and that he'd introduce us when he got the chance. My brother kept bugging him to do it, knowing it was absolute horseshit. After a couple of weeks we are in the canteen and he points to a girl saying it's his girlfriend. He walks over to this girl while she's with about five or six people, puts his arm around her, and give her an extended kiss on the not-quite-cheek-not-quite-mouth, then immediately walks out the canteen. This girl looks mortified and all her mates are screaming and laughing. We're trying to gauge what has just happened when a lad he went to school with asks us why Jonno just got off with his younger sister. I didn't hear anything about this lad after I left college in 2005 until about a month ago when a woman accidentally posted a photo meant for her secret Instagram account to her regular account. Turned out that she was making some decent coin as a femdom on onlyfans and tagged his own secret account in the post as a thank you for contributing. Only problem is that his wife knows the woman and recognised his username because it's also his Steam username. Fucking fantastic.

[Kurt Cocaine]

 

What a ballbag....

[Kunt 4 Life]

I had a friend who back in what would have been 1997 (he would be bout 18/19) had a few friends over including me.
One guy wanted to look up naughty pictures on my mates dial up PC so he did so.

Anyway...in the weeks that came my friend said that the guy viewed so much porn, it over spilled from his cache folder and into his Room folder. He'd be playing Doom and all of a sudden the walls would be of the porn pics he downloaded. He even had the audacity to tell this to people who did programming.

[blessed1]

A lad i knew when we were around 21 or 22 would tell the biggest lies about his drug use. Always banging on about how many pills and how much coke he snorted over the weekend. Told me once he took liquid acid in his eye at some house party. That summer i grew some weed in the tunnel in the garden, literally the worst weed ive ever smoked, you wouldnt get high of it if you smoked a blunt of the stuff.
I rang this fella up told him i had some unreal weed for sale and sold him the whole plant for about 400 euro.
Next time i met him i was full sure he was going to start giving me shit about it but no he told me it was the best weed he had ever smoked.
My brother met him again a few years later at a party and he was still banging on about the weed i sold him telling him it was the best stuff he ever smoked 

[Kurt Cocaine]

Hahahaha, suckers like that deserve everything coming to them. 

[Black Shepherd Carnage]

He went missing for half an hour and came back to tell us that he'd met Jacob Bannon from Converge, and that they had, yes "just chilled out with a few beers and had a good laugh." Bannon is straight-edge.

I did a search for Converge to see if there'd be anywhere appropriate to put the following story, and, yeah, turns out right here is the appropriate place! A French model has stated that she is the actual Jane Doe, contrary to Jacob Bannon being on record as saying his artwork wasn't based on any original image:
https://www.facebook.com/audreymarnay/posts/304754048121761

[astfgyl]

A lad i knew when we were around 21 or 22 would tell the biggest lies about his drug use. Always banging on about how many pills and how much coke he snorted over the weekend. Told me once he took liquid acid in his eye at some house party. That summer i grew some weed in the tunnel in the garden, literally the worst weed ive ever smoked, you wouldnt get high of it if you smoked a blunt of the stuff.
I rang this fella up told him i had some unreal weed for sale and sold him the whole plant for about 400 euro.
Next time i met him i was full sure he was going to start giving me shit about it but no he told me it was the best weed he had ever smoked.
My brother met him again a few years later at a party and he was still banging on about the weed i sold him telling him it was the best stuff he ever smoked 

I gave a chap 2 buckets of tobacco and he said they were the best buckets he'd ever smoked and can I get him some of that stuff. I said it was a one off sure he'd have copped it when I handed him the packet of drum

[Eoin McLove]

This is about a guy I hung around with in the 90s back when we were in school. He was fucking bang on and this was out of character, but it cracked me up back then and it's after coming back to me now. He was in the year ahead of me and when he was in 5th or 6th year he was on a school trip to town. I think they were at a play or something educational like that but on the way home the bus crashed. I can't exactly remember the details and how I envision it now seems a bit over the top in my head, but suffice to say the bus at least went over on its side. It was on the news at the time so it was a fairly serious accident and a couple of lads ended up with some injuries. I particularly remember one chap was lucky not to have lost vision in one eye and had scars on his face from broken glass.

My friend happened to be on the bus and, s far as anyone could see, he escaped completely unharmed. Or did he! He started to complain about having bad pains in one of his arms which resulted in him going about in a sling for a matter of weeks. I could smell bullshit but said nothing. After a while he started going on about this great new surgery he was getting done, and I think eventually he alleged to have had, to fix his arm. Apparently the doctors inserted a metal bar in to fix the problem but the operation magically left no scar because they put it in using lasers 

I hope he got the compo he was chasing, if only for sheer neck and commitment!

[ochoill]

He went missing for half an hour and came back to tell us that he'd met Jacob Bannon from Converge, and that they had, yes "just chilled out with a few beers and had a good laugh." Bannon is straight-edge.

I did a search for Converge to see if there'd be anywhere appropriate to put the following story, and, yeah, turns out right here is the appropriate place! A French model has stated that she is the actual Jane Doe, contrary to Jacob Bannon being on record as saying his artwork wasn't based on any original image:
https://www.facebook.com/audreymarnay/posts/304754048121761

Well... that was unexpected.
https://www.facebook.com/100044498617096/posts/407622584064359/