The Greatest Lie You Ever Heard

[Kurt Cocaine]

"Here man, I have some hash. There's a slight taste of diesel off it but I'll give it to you for a great price.
Some fishermen found a bale of it floating out at sea and dried it off in their engine room. That's why there's a bang of diesel off it." 

Fookin dopey bastard truck driver smuggled it into the country in his fuel tank more like.   

Was just thinking of shitty smoke experiences... 

What's your lie stories..?

[Paul keohane]

This beautie came from a serial liar i worked with years back-

'A buddie of mine rode Mary MCaleese (the ex president) up stairs in Counihans' (a well known city centre bar in Cork)



Same Fella claimed he was at the Ali v Joe Frazier fight in Madison Square Garden back in the early 70s,we worked it out,he would have been 11!

[astfgyl]

Ah here I know a lad with rakes of these this should take off well. Surely everyone of us knows at least one pure fantasist.

Ok the lad I was thinking of said that he was in a car crash and when he looked around his legs were pointing out the back instead of the front. That's one anyway.

Same lad said that he went from nenagh to templemore on his bike in 6 minutes. Of course only someone who knows that road could truly appreciate how preposterous that is but fuck it's bad.

Lad again said he was banging an unreal bird that worked in the factory but of course this was all bollix and when her husband found out what he was saying he had to leave work for fear of the flogging he was going to get.

Never guess the exact fella said that a lad was giving him hassle in the pub one night but "he wasn't saying much when i fired two shots of my hand pistol at him"

There are rakes more but this is off the cuff.

[ochoill]

One lad used to help run a sort of internet cafe (it was actually just the computer room of a school opened the odd evening and we just installed Alien vs. Predator on most of the PCs to play it over LAN) but he told us one time that he invented an AI that bill gates was interested in buying off him.  He showed us a fuckin DOS program that asked you stock questions and fed back the same answers to you, we had it crash in about a minute of use.

Another chap spent a summer working in Gleesons telling me he was tested and had an IQ of 148, that the last office job he had he did all the work too quickly and they had to let him go, that's why he was in the back of a warehouse working with me scrubbing the best before dates off of bottles of Country Spring, surely.

Younger still (about 14 or 15?) but still good - when the PS2 came out, one lad told us he had got one with a development kit for making demos, reasonably believable if any of you remember Net Yaroze games for the psx.  Told us to come up any time to have a look at it.  Well another friend and I took that upon ourselves, and called in one evening after school, caught him on the hop so he told us he had to give a loan of it to his cousin, his older brother heard this shite and fucked him under the bus straight away, told us he never had one at all.  The lad just gave up and stood there saying nothing until we went home.  Unreal.

Worked with a man a few years back that, after he left the company, a few other staff started putting 2 and 2 together, comparing stories, and found out he had just completely made up everything about himself and nobody actually had a clue what his story was.  We all thought he had his wife and child living with him but by the end everyone thought he made up even having a child.  Told people stuff like how he was getting in home childcare for 50 quid a week, also only had one car but no child seat.  He found out I'd have the odd smoke at the time and asked me if I'd ever get him a bit, I told him no. But he told someone else he was dealing at the same time.  He reversed into the CEOs car another time, then flat out denied the whole thing and tried to say he didn't even have his car in work but it was completely caught on camera.

Most of these same lads told much more but they're some of the better ones.

[Ducky]

I know a buck who was blathering on about seeing Whitesnake in Dublin and he happened to run into Philomena Lynott and Gary Moore at it.

He apparently sat chatting with them, Gary Moore let him play one of his guitars (have no idea why Gary Moore was attending a gig as a punter and just so happened to casually have a fucking guitar handy) and when it was time to depart, Gary Moore says "here's my phone number, you ring me any time you want to talk about anything because you and me are the same".

So the obvious thing to do was... we asked him to ring Gary Moore! Apparently he wouldn't answer because it was almost midnight and he "didn't want to disturb a good friend at that hour".

What an absolute bell end of a human

[Wiseblood]

A lad I used have to work alongside on a building site years ago assured me that his cousin was very close to landing the Ozzy gig.

Same dude really surpassed that when he asked me not tell anyone else on the site but that he had a super religious experience during his communion and levitated off the seat in the church! (by this point I'd realised he was super odd when I overheard him praying with his auld one over the phone). I have never found it as hard to keep a straight face.

I of course told him I'd not breath a word and the fact that he was referred to as "The Golden Child" by all 200 people on the site had nothing to do with me. 

Fast forward about 15 years and I met someone from his hometown so decided to ask was he still nuts. Turns out the answer is a definite yes since he joined some cult and hasn't been seen by any of his family in years. Maybe he wasn't lying after all!

[Kurt Cocaine]

Some whoppers already, hahahaha....
Keep 'em coming lads....

[The Heretic]

http://viz.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/013_viz209_prior.jpg

[Hambeast]

I know a guy who used to be in the cadets and one time he was run over by a tank. He's very strong though, so he just sank into the mud and was able to walk away completely unharmed.

[Caomhaoin]

When I was in the FCA years ago as a young lad, an auld fella in the mess told me he had once cycled from Kilkenny to Dublin on a bike with no chain. Amazing.

[Caomhaoin]

Or my ex band mates trying to convince me whilst on a massive session that the third song on Death's 'Leprosy' was called 'Chili Faggot'. They kept on at me so long I almost started to believe it.

[Caomhaoin]

Which reminds me of a quite exquisite practical joke they played on me a short time later. I was a huge Nile fan at the time, for reference.

They had gotten my phone and changed my then girlfriends number to one of theirs, and started texting me really wired stuff about 'never feeling like this about anyone' etc, and I never copped and was replying to for hours. Then, out of the blue, 'she' writes ' I'm sorry, I'm moving to Chile to be with Niall'. Took a minute or two for the penny to drop, and in fairness to them, they kept straight faces until they could see the massive Beamer I had on my face upon realisation. Jesus Christ,  morto.

[astfgyl]

When I was in the FCA years ago as a young lad, an auld fella in the mess told me he had once cycled from Kilkenny to Dublin on a bike with no chain. Amazing.

Lol that's one of the better ones

[Scáthach]

Around 2000 I was working on an archaeology site in Boyne Valley just outside Drogheda, it was Autumn / Winter and half the place was just sludge up to the ankles or even deeper. Mid morning this guy turns up, probably in his late fifties, in a full tweed chequered suit (with matching hat) with his nicest little shiny black leather pointy shoes. He said all had been arranged with the site director and was to get stuck in.
He had to be loaned a trowel, hard hat and rain gear. He just flitted around the site having an occasional poke at the ground. I had overheard him say "I don't usually do this, I usually just like to find a chalice or some gold jewelry"
After lunch he disappeared, we found out later he turned up on another site and had another poke around then disappeared again. Turns out the director had no clue who he was and he never turned up again. A real life Walter Mitty.

[Paul keohane]

I know a guy who used to be in the cadets and one time he was run over by a tank. He's very strong though, so he just sank into the mud and was able to walk away completely unharmed.