Return of THE FEAR!

[Carnage]

Oh please let there be more of this.

[Snare]

"Stout's Stories" needs to be put into print 

Perhaps a little booklet and sold in all good bookstores!! Time for the ideal xmas present to be put together?

[Trev]

Nothing gets me clicking on a thread quicker than seeing Stout has posted in The Fear, fucking quality 

[ochoill]

Ah I live for these

[Bürggermeister]

Stout always delivers the goods 

[Ollkiller]

Stellar. 

[Hellyeah]

Excellent,  got a great lift outta that. Fairplay.  

[Yung Led Zeppelin]

By a mile the best thread on any forum ever

[Dark Stranger]

Just read this entire thread and I'm in literal tears laughing - had to register an account just to say thanks to Stout for the finest and funniest storytelling I've ever seen!

I may as well share one I don't think I put in the old MI thread.

A good few years ago myself and the girlfriend at the time went to see Manowar somewhere in England. She wasn't much of a boozer so we didn't have a particularly huge carryout before heading to the gig.

We weigh in and hit the bar, I order a pint and get about £2 change from a fucking £10 note. The bar prices are beyond extortionate.

I have a look at the other options and see that quarter bottles of wine are a couple of quid cheaper so think bloody right, I'll just go on the wine, be grand.

The thing is, quarter bottles of wine in the bottle aren't like quarter bottles of wine in a glass, bottles can be skulled with minimal effort whereas you'd sup a glass of wine a little more politely.

We enjoy the gig, and I end up needing a little assistance from herself to get myself back to the hotel in a straight line.

Into the hotel, and I realise I'm more rightly than I thought, so figured I'd do some sensible hangover prevention before falling into bed.

I remember that a pint of water before bed will do you wonders the next day, so I reckon horsing two pints into me will negate any sore head caused by the hefty number of quarter bottles of red wine.

All good, precautions taken and I go to sleep.

I wake up and begod I don't feel too bad at all. Hangover level about 4 out of 10.

I look over to see if the missus is awake. She is. Fury level a solid 10 out of 10.

I ask "Is everything okay?"

She says "Do you not fucking remember what you did last night?"

I think back and remember going to gig, wobbling home, getting into hotel... wait! I got into bed successfully, I didn't do anything!

I tell her "Sure I went to bed and fell asleep, was I snoring?"

Says she: "Not just that, but you fucking got up in the middle of the night, got out of bed and flung the curtains open and started pissing on the windowsill. Then I had to steer you bollock naked, still pissing, into the bathroom."

I sleep in the nip BTW. Ladies.

She continues, voice raising: "You then managed to finish pissing into the bog and went to go back to bed. I said 'Are you not going to wash your hands?' and you got down on your knees and washed your hands in the bog full of unflushed piss. Then you dried your hands on the bathroom towel, went to bed and fucking snored like a chainsaw the entire night!"

I should have been contrite and apologetic, but I had ZERO memory of this so the story felt like it was about a mate of mine and not me, and all I could do was giggle like a twat, which pissed her off even more.

I was in the doghouse for a fair while after that one.

At least I tried to wash my hands after a slash while steaming though. I'm not that clatty a hoor.

[open face surgery]

Ah Donal, me auld flower. Was only thinking about you the other day. Hope you're well mate. I too am a firm believer in the "can't remember so it wasn't me" school of denial.

Years ago a load of us had been out on the session and ended up back at a gaff a mate was sharing with another girl. At some point I retired to a bedroom to have a little snooze for myself. Upon waking I joined the mates in the living room who were in the middle of discussing ordering a take away. I was told quite abruptly that I had to leave as I had taken a shit in the housemate's clothes basket. I thought they were taking the piss and proceeded to try and get my order in for the takeaway. No, they were fairly adamant that I had to leave and had to take the shitty clothes basket with me. I admitted defeat and left, basket in tow. Whatever way I tried to leave the apartment complex, I ended up locked in the car park with the basket. I can't remember exactly how I got out but I remember just saying fuck this and leaving the basket behind. That must've been an odd find for someone but at that stage I didn't give a, well, I didn't care.

Fast forward a few months and another session in full swing at a different location but who lands in but the housemate. I made my apology and she was sound about it and we had a laugh. That went a bit further as the evening went on and at one point I had to politely refuse her advances. That was far too weird a situation to get myself into.

[Black Shepherd Carnage]

Chicks love a regular guy!

[Black Shepherd Carnage]

Great story Donal!  And what a killer first post! 

[StoutAndAle]

At least I tried to wash my hands after a slash while steaming though. I'm not that clatty a hoor.

 



Yes biys! Deadly!

[Pentagrimes]

Welcome back Donal!

[mishima]

I may as well share one I don't think I put in the old MI thread.

Read all that in your voice

Welcome back lad!