Return of THE FEAR!

[El_ogre_del_Dublinios]

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Take it from me, if you stick a daffodil petal to a car with gin and tonic vomit and leave it overnight, that fucker is cuntishly hard to get off the next morning.

when i was 16 i spewed all over the inside of me aul lads car when he was picking me up from a gig, trying to clean up the crusted remains of a chicken burger and cans of cider the next day was brutal lol

Never leave the puke till the next day. A million times harder to got rid of it. And mixed with cider, the perfect concoction.

i wasnt physically able to clean it that night and i suspect my dad wanted to punish me by making it as hard to clean as possible, which is fair enough i suppose

[Ollkiller]

.
Take it from me, if you stick a daffodil petal to a car with gin and tonic vomit and leave it overnight, that fucker is cuntishly hard to get off the next morning.

when i was 16 i spewed all over the inside of me aul lads car when he was picking me up from a gig, trying to clean up the crusted remains of a chicken burger and cans of cider the next day was brutal lol

Never leave the puke till the next day. A million times harder to got rid of it. And mixed with cider, the perfect concoction.

i wasnt physically able to clean it that night and i suspect my dad wanted to punish me by making it as hard to clean as possible, which is fair enough i suppose

I guessed you were not in a state to clean it. I'm blaming your ould lad lol.

[El_ogre_del_Dublinios]

i cant blame him for wanting to punish me tbh lol

[Snare]

Seems a good place to post this...

Turkey: 'Missing' man joins search party looking for himself - Published4 hours ago

A missing man in Turkey accidentally joined his own search party for hours before realising he was the person they were looking for, local media reports.
Beyhan Mutlu had been drinking with friends on Tuesday when he wandered into a forest in Bursa province.

When he failed to return, his wife and friends alerted local authorities and a search party was sent out.
Mr Mutlu, 50, then stumbled across the search party and decided to join them, NTV reported.

But when members of the search party began calling out his name, he replied: "I am here." He was taken aside by one of the rescuer workers to give a statement.
"Don't punish me too harshly, officer. My father will kill me," he reportedly told them. then drove Mr Mutlu home. It is not clear if he was given a fine.

[Thorn]

Saw that alright, great story for the grandkids that's going to be 

[StoutAndAle]

Thread Resurection!!!

My friend, Chuckles, is like a brother to me. He is one of the soundest, nicest, most natural fellas you could ever hope to meet. He can sit and talk to anyone – you could put next to a load of strangers at a wedding and within 5 minutes he’s deep in conversation with them – about their lives and interests – and he’s genuinely interested in what they say.

The same fella can be a disaster on the drink. Not helped by the fact that if there’s nobody around – he’ll go out by himself.

He bought a house a few years before the pandemic but he lives alone so he thought it best not to be demented and lonely for long periods of time. So, during the lock-downs, he got big into kayaking/sea-swimming/paddle-boarding as a way of not getting polluted from beer/wine 7 nights a week.

Cut to post-pandemic present day. He needed to get a few things done to his house - walls knocked, extension etc. so he had to move back in with his widowed mother. They don’t fully see eye-to-eye so this raised a few eyebrows but nobody else had anywhere for him to stay for the 5 or 6 months. I gave him a copy of “Confederacy Of Dunces” to pass the time. 

He asked me to go out with him last Saturday but I couldn’t make it.

“I’ll meet you next Saturday” says I

“Yeah, yeah. Sound. I’ll go out for one or two on my own this afternoon” says Chuckles and we left it at that.

So last night my wife reminds me that she’s away in Dublin for the weekend with her friends.

“Are you meeting Chuckles?” she asked.

I rang him.

“Are we still on for Saturday?”

“Eh… yeah… I’ll have to leave it off.” says he “After last Saturday night me mother doesn’t want me boozing if I’m staying in her gaff”

“What happened?!”

He went out on Saturday afternoon with the intention of having a few quiet pints. Ended up chatting with some tourists and falling in with their group (see what I mean) – and took them on a boozing tour of Cork. 10 hours later he headed home – the tourists long gone – and he says he has a fuzzy recollection of talking with the taxi driver about Cricket and Pakistani cricketers.

“Was the driver into cricket?” I ask

“He was from Pakistan” he replies.

Gets home and has only minor memories of what he did from exiting the taxi until he’s halfway up the stairs with a box that his mother told him had arrived for him.

Opens it. It’s his new wetsuit, finally arrived from Australia.

Naturally he decides that RIGHT THERE AND THEN is the best time to try it on for size.

Next thing he remembers is waking up in bed at about 6AM, bursting for a piss so he hops out of the cot…. Still wearing the wet-suit.

Gets into the bathroom and tries desparately to get the zip-pull to come down. He can reach it but in his mangled state can’t open it.

“All of a sudden” he says to me on the phone “I feel seriously claustrophobic and I start to panic that I’m going to be stuck in the wet-suit. And I’m badly in need of a piss.”

“So what did you do?” I asked

“I started shouting for help” says he – as if I’m some sort of thicko for asking such a question.

“Mam! Mam! Can you come in here please? MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!” Chuckles roared – awakening his 75-year-old mother from her peaceful slumber.

“Oh Sweet Jesus! What’s after happening to you?!” she screams through the door.

“Come in for fuck sake!” he bellows back at her.

She opens the door. There, kneeling down and flailing, is her 40-year-old baby boy covered in sweat in a wet-suit.

“What in the name of god?” his mother says

“I woke up wearing it! Just pull the fuckin’ zip there. THE ZIP!”

“Oh, for god’s sake” she tuts pulling the zip “Are you not wearing any underpants or anything?”

“Who would wear underpants under a wet-suit?” Chuckles asks.

“Who in their right mind would wear this get up going to bed?”



"So yeah" he says to me "I mean - I'm still allowed to have people over and that but she doesn't want me going out and getting wrecked".

[astfgyl]

Man what an image! 😂😂😂

[Emphyrio]

Brilliant.

[Hellyeah]

Haha. Legend.

[Carnage]

Less Chuckles, more Shudders.

[Eoin McLove]

Yowsa!

[StoutAndAle]

2023 - Resurrect THE FEAR!

I was having coffee with one of the lads that I work with a few weeks back. The conversation turned to Christmas.

"Any plans yourself, Cavs?" I asked

"Ah yeah" says he "a bunch of us are going skiing. Kids, wives, the whole lot. The usual crew."

"Oh yeah, there's a load of ye go every year."

"Yeah. Every year up until Covid. Should be good though, most of the kids are mid-teens now. No real minding them any more. Handy for me - mine are 16 and 18. Being separated from my missus for nearly two years means that I'll have even more freedom."

"Uh huh" says I - absentmindedly hoping to get off this subject as I am now bored and want to talk about me & my interests.

"Looking forward to it" says he.

"Is Danser going over with ye again?" - Danser being a lad that we work with.

"Eh. No... Danser is not going with us" says Cavs, his eyes suddenly darkening.

"How come - the whole Covid and planes thing?"

"Eh... no. Did he... did you not hear what happened in 2019? Did you not notice that we don't speak much these days?"

"No"

"He probably wants it kept quiet.... Fuck it. He was out Mayrhofen with the rest of us. But sure Danser is single with no kids so while we were doing the ski schools and family things until late - he was coming in from the slopes at 4 in the afternoon and power-drinking his way through evenings. Bladdered every night. Making a fucking fool of himself."

"Christ, really? He seems fairly normal in work."

"Yeah - really! So one night about halfway through the trip he's nowhere to be seen. A few of us start playing Stump with some other guests."

I had to ask him to explain Stump to me. Also known as Hammerschlagen - it's a German drinking game where players take turns trying to knock pre-designated nails into a tree stump. The rules aren't very clear to me but I think if yours is the last nail then you're the loser.

"So anyway Danser arrives in about 2100hrs - pissed up on Jager, schnapps and beer and decides the he wants to play Stump. He takes the hammer and wallops the nail closest to him but which isn't his. Sparks fly out from the nail on impact. And every one roars 'SPARKS!!!'...."

"Sparks?" I ask.

"Yeah" says Cavs "Tis like if you hit the goalpost from 3 yards with no keeper in soccer. Bit of good natured slagging. Danser didn't see it that way though. He got the hump and smashed all the shot glasses with the hammer. Then he threatened to smash one or two lads with the hammer before throwing it at a wall and storming out. Lucky that he didn't kill anyone with it."

"Jesus!" says I

"Disappeared for the rest of the trip. Here, seriously - not a word about this to anyone right?"

"Ah yeah... yeah, of course".

Get back to work and who do you think that we run into first...?

"Alright, Stout? Alright, Cavs?" Danser enquires.

"Alright, Danser?" I reply.

"Yeah, grand. Any plans for Christmas?" he asks me.

"Nah. Probably just get spark-out hammered." says I - while trying not to laugh as Cavs gives me filthies.

"I have to get back there, lads" says Cavs. And he fucks off with a big red head up on him.

"Were you out for lunch with Cavs?"

"Just a coffee."

"He's off skiing again this year..." there's a brief pause followed by him sheepishly asking "Did he, eh.... did he mention the hassle with me and him over there a few years back?"

"No. Nothing about hassle." says I.

"Ah... probably trying to save a few blushes. I mean I thought that I was bad getting demented and losing my temper one night over a game. But getting caught drunkenly shifting the face off some other lad's wife by her husband and a fella that you work with? - That's in a different league altogether... You didn't hear that from me, right?"

   

[Carnage]

   This thread never disappoints.

[ochoill]

Ah christ that is lethal

[Giggles]

I'm sure this has already been mentioned, but for the love of God Stout, please write a book of these short drunken stories. Pure quality