Tips for better living

[Eoin McLove]

If you can manage to whistle even more tunelessly than him, your happiness will increase exponentially.

[Eoin McLove]

12. If you stretch your foreskin a little bit every day, gradually over time it becomes incredibly stretchy and flexible so if you ever find yourself homeless, you will never be stuck for a sleeping bag.

[The Heretic]

I haven't had southern fried chicken for almost 27 years, I had some last night, now I know why I haven't had any for 27 years, its like eating death, that's me done....avoid to stay healthy....

[Eoin McLove]

#12 If you really want to get a pet dog but you can't afford it or don't feel up to the responsibility, why not carry a small green bag full of your own shit when you go for a walk?

[OpenSores]

#12 If you really want to get a pet dog but you can't afford it or don't feel up to the responsibility, why not carry a small green bag full of your own shit when you go for a walk?

    

[Eoin McLove]

#33 If you are poor but have delusions of grandeur, flush the toilet while you're still sitting on it and pretend you live in a house with a bidet.

[ochoill]

When having a shower, piss down onto your shins first and use that to wash your legs to save on hot water

[StoutAndAle]

Lazy? Useless? Unemployed? Unemployable?

Tell people that you are a 3rd Dan Black Belt in karate (pronounced carr-Ah-TEE!)

A small investment in a black-belt from Sports Direct/Decathlon will ensure that you can wander into a Centra at 11am of a Tuesday wearing your pajamas replete with slippers and said belt wrapped around your waist.

"Pajamas? No, no, no. This is my karate Gi. It was given to me after I achieved my 3rd Dan level. Yes, it has a picture of what looks like Santa on it but this is, in fact, General Kwan - god of war."

If questioned about your training - use some off-hand metal references such as "I studied under Sifu Khanate in Kowloon Walled City".

If pushed for a demonstration of your skills - adopt a faraway, wistful look and tell the person "My hands have been registered as lethal weapons in Templemore Garda Training college and I am not allowed, by law, to do a single move". 

Do say: "My master says that one must look to the celestial and never focus on the self. I walk the way of peace."

Do NOT say: "I could take you AND your fucking cousins in a scrap."