I thought it might be useful to have a thread where we can help each other out by offering good advice. Many of us here have been on the planet for four decades or more so it might be a good thing to offer a bit of our wisdom to the younger members among us. I suppose I'll start with one or two tips of my own.
1. Rather than getting your teeth whitened, consider going a shade darker with your fake tan.
2. If you find your hairline receding but you cannot afford to get plugs, stick your index finger up your hole and pull backwards. The skin on your noggin will be pulled forward creating the illusion of a youthful mane, and all for the cost of a pair of rubber gloves.
3. If you find yourself getting fatter in middle age, rather than spending valuable time, money and energy going to the gym, just buy a bigger t-shirt. Go two sizes up and you'll be amazed at how your body seems to instantly shrink. It's science.
Anyone else have a few useful tips?
4. If you are going out in public wearing a particularly tight pair of jeans, carry a straightened coat hanger up your sleeve. If you get an itchy arsehole while walking down the street you can discreetly slide the coat hanger between your cheeks and get right in there.
5. Let's remember the timeless Chinese proverb. If you run out of bogroll, wipe your arse on your hand and wash your hand under the tap. If there is no water, just walk around with a shitty hand.
6. If you have a frozen frankfurter to eat but your microwave is on the blink, throw the sausage from hand to hand for an hour or two. You work up an appetite while warming up the sausage. If you have a packet of frozen peas you can keep the whole family busy.
7. If you're in a conversation and getting over your head, and you start to feel stupid, just make up a few ludicrous lies and present them as facts. You instantly regain the upper hand.
I knew a guy who lived and breathed #7 and, handily, let you know he was spoofing by adding "No messin'" to the end of every lie.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Brilliant stuff.
8. Once a month Google "modern music" then remember and drop these names in, and this is crucial -with a breezily casual confidence, when talking to your teenage/young-adult nieces and nephews.
"Hip hop. Yeah, yeah. I keep up with it. Who am I listening to right now? Lil Yachty obviously. And Lil Baby. And Lil Uzi Vert, do you know them?"
It is imperative to use the them pronoun here because;
A. I don't know if any of these people are male or female.
and
B. The little woke bastards will get confused themselves.
This will fall apart if you try to freestyle with 90s horseshit pub-chat like "Obviously I like their first EP more than the album... oh... Lil Yachty hasn't released an album, no? Have you heard, em... the new Arctic Monkeys album?"
Quote from: Bürggermeister on April 25, 2024, 07:28:32 AMI knew a guy who lived and breathed #7 and, handily, let you know he was spoofing by adding "No messin'" to the end of every lie.
Yeah, I knew one of those. But instead of "no messin" he added "I swear!" at the end. Or "I shwear" as he said it.
And another who would shamelessly and absurdly act as if that's what he was saying all along when he was called out on his bullshit.
... which leads us nicely to...
9. If someone asks you your opinion on something and you have no idea what they are talking about, wing it. Never admit ignorance- it's a sign of weakness and no way to get ahead as an adult. Absolutely nobody will take you seriously if you admit you haven't a clue but you would love to hear about it because it sounds fascinating. That is simply social suicide. Bullshit your way to respect.
10. If you have a hole in your trousers pocket, you will feel cocky all day.
11. If you have a hole in your sock and your big toe keeps popping out, but you can't afford a new pair of socks simply cut off the toe. Socks are for life and toes grow back.
12. Screaming 'THUG LIFE, BITCH!' just before climaxing will enhance your orgasm regardless of whether you're alone or making sweet love to a willing partner or multiple partners.
Violence is usually the correct response to all customer service dealings
When you're up on the labour ward with the missus after the baby has landed and the midwife comes by with tea and toast for one it's not for you...
#47 - Don't bother with trades people like electricians etc. Anyone can re-wire a house. It's all just a bit of trial and error.
#48. That old joke about the constipated maths teacher who worked it out with a pencil... don't knock it is all I'm saying.
49. Keep a slice of raw red onion on your tongue for the day to keep your gums healthy.
50. No Milk in the house? Use plain water to cook your Koka Noodles in instead.
76. If you can't afford a haircut, try going bald.
21. If the electricity goes out and you can't listen to any music or watch telly, rhythmically flick the radiator with your fingernail as a way to entertain the troops.
78. Keep referring to that one gig in the 80s you were at where no one else was at to show that you were into metal on the day it was created.
A wank a day keeps the deviance away.
I wonder actually how many people's lives would have been better had they simply had a wank on whatever fateful day that they fucked it all up by dipping the wick? I bet it's loads
231. Every time someone asks you if you have seen the film [Insert Film Title Here] just reply "No, I want to though so don't spoil it for me" regardless of whether you have already seen it or if you do really want to see it or not.
This way you can be saved the 20 minute discussion about "The bit where...." and also the 85% inaccurate quoting of the film's key lines.
"D'ja know that part where Jules and Vinny go to the apartment to get the Marcus Williams' suitcase back from the boys? And... it's unreal when Sam Jackson does the speech. I'll do it for you - it's my party piece.
Easy Kill 27:15. "The path of the right man is beset on all sides by the inequalities of the selfish... Eh... Ehmmm You know the bit that I mean? Blessed is he who in the name the good shepherds and eeeh.... the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper.... Eh And I will strike down upon you muthafucka's with great vengeance and FURIOUS anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my bruthas!... I'm doing Samuel L. Jackson now see? And you will KNOW my name is the LORD when I lay my revenge-en-gence down on top of ye!
To avoid this;
"Pulp Fiction is a brilliant film."
"Haven't seen it, don't spoil it for me."
25. If you ever feel like peeling a tomato, don't.
92. When standing at a urinal, don't put the blue mints in your mouth.
So... wait until you've moved away from the urinal? That makes sense I suppose. Cheers!
Quote from: astfgyl on May 13, 2024, 10:10:03 PMA wank a day keeps the deviance away.
I wonder actually how many people's lives would have been better had they simply had a wank on whatever fateful day that they fucked it all up by dipping the wick? I bet it's loads
This fo sho. I'm working with a blonde bombshell, so I'm in and out to the Jack's all day.
14. If you want to get into stargazing but you're too much of a cheap cunt you buy a telescope, just buy a microscope and swing it around the other way.
71. If you hate your job, or indeed your entire life, just learn to whistle. Everything is better when you're whistling.
Quote from: Eoin McLove on June 21, 2024, 01:39:46 AM71. If you hate your job, or indeed your entire life, just learn to whistle. Everything is better when you're whistling.
Not if you've ever worked with some old daft eejit prone to tuneless whistling half the day.
Whistle along with him.
Yeah, I'm with McLove on this one: if you can hear the old daft eejit that just means you're not whistling loud enough yourself. Work on your volume whenever you can, no matter the time or place. You'll be happier in no time!
If you can manage to whistle even more tunelessly than him, your happiness will increase exponentially.
12. If you stretch your foreskin a little bit every day, gradually over time it becomes incredibly stretchy and flexible so if you ever find yourself homeless, you will never be stuck for a sleeping bag.
I haven't had southern fried chicken for almost 27 years, I had some last night, now I know why I haven't had any for 27 years, its like eating death, that's me done....avoid to stay healthy....
#12 If you really want to get a pet dog but you can't afford it or don't feel up to the responsibility, why not carry a small green bag full of your own shit when you go for a walk?
Quote from: Eoin McLove on May 31, 2025, 10:08:28 AM#12 If you really want to get a pet dog but you can't afford it or don't feel up to the responsibility, why not carry a small green bag full of your own shit when you go for a walk?
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
#33 If you are poor but have delusions of grandeur, flush the toilet while you're still sitting on it and pretend you live in a house with a bidet.
When having a shower, piss down onto your shins first and use that to wash your legs to save on hot water
Lazy? Useless? Unemployed? Unemployable?
Tell people that you are a 3rd Dan Black Belt in karate (pronounced carr-Ah-TEE!)
A small investment in a black-belt from Sports Direct/Decathlon will ensure that you can wander into a Centra at 11am of a Tuesday wearing your pajamas replete with slippers and said belt wrapped around your waist.
"Pajamas? No, no, no. This is my karate Gi. It was given to me after I achieved my 3rd Dan level. Yes, it has a picture of what looks like Santa on it but this is, in fact, General Kwan - god of war."
If questioned about your training - use some off-hand metal references such as "I studied under Sifu Khanate in Kowloon Walled City".
If pushed for a demonstration of your skills - adopt a faraway, wistful look and tell the person "My hands have been registered as lethal weapons in Templemore Garda Training college and I am not allowed, by law, to do a single move".
Do say: "My master says that one must look to the celestial and never focus on the self. I walk the way of peace."
Do NOT say: "I could take you AND your fucking cousins in a scrap."
Do you want to know how to make a years supply of laundry detergent for €40..?
Quote from: Eoin McLove on June 21, 2024, 01:39:46 AM71. If you hate your job, or indeed your entire life, just learn to whistle. Everything is better when you're whistling.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e37bWhZOg1o
Can't argue with that 8)
Quote from: moose on September 03, 2026, 03:18:51 PMQuote from: Eoin McLove on June 21, 2024, 01:39:46 AM71. If you hate your job, or indeed your entire life, just learn to whistle. Everything is better when you're whistling.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e37bWhZOg1o
Quote from: moose on September 03, 2026, 03:18:51 PMQuote from: Eoin McLove on June 21, 2024, 01:39:46 AM71. If you hate your job, or indeed your entire life, just learn to whistle. Everything is better when you're whistling.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e37bWhZOg1o
True story from last week, I was in an engineering workshop i go to from time to time looking at some equipment and one of the welders who I've spoken to a few times and who is from the north of England whistles continuously/ loudly / all the fuckin time. Must drive his work mates mental except he's a hell of a nice fella so they put up with it. For example when I turned up, he was whistling along loudly to every note of a Davy Spillane uileann pipe tune he was playing on his Bluetooth speaker.....that also played at full blast. Next song was 'No Limits' by 2Unlimited so he whistled all of that .....and so on....haha a complete lunatic. This is going on in a typical Australian workplace, a welding and machining workshop with workers from all over the world
Quote from: 91/30 on September 04, 2026, 01:46:25 PMQuote from: moose on September 03, 2026, 03:18:51 PMQuote from: Eoin McLove on June 21, 2024, 01:39:46 AM71. If you hate your job, or indeed your entire life, just learn to whistle. Everything is better when you're whistling.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e37bWhZOg1o
Quote from: moose on September 03, 2026, 03:18:51 PMQuote from: Eoin McLove on June 21, 2024, 01:39:46 AM71. If you hate your job, or indeed your entire life, just learn to whistle. Everything is better when you're whistling.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e37bWhZOg1o
True story from last week, I was in an engineering workshop i go to from time to time looking at some equipment and one of the welders who I've spoken to a few times and who is from the north of England whistles continuously/ loudly / all the fuckin time. Must drive his work mates mental except he's a hell of a nice fella so they put up with it. For example when I turned up, he was whistling along loudly to every note of a Davy Spillane uileann pipe tune he was playing on his Bluetooth speaker.....that also played at full blast. Next song was 'No Limits' by 2Unlimited so he whistled all of that .....and so on....haha a complete lunatic. This is going on in a typical Australian workplace, a welding and machining workshop with workers from all over the world
Whereabouts in Aus are you?
Ah nice. I haven't been up the way yet.
Quote from: Eoin McLove on September 05, 2026, 05:16:55 AMAh nice. I haven't been up the way yet.
To be honest if I wasn't tied down here Id move to Melbourne, or Tasmania even, summer temperatures for a tradesman out in it all day are getting harder to stick as I get older. Buried an old friend a few weeks ago, gone before his time from Melanoma, he spent years getting burned, loved the heat, you'd see him with white circles around the eyes where the safety glasses had absorbed the UV, the rest of his face red / black like the divil
Quote from: 91/30 on September 05, 2026, 06:08:21 AMQuote from: Eoin McLove on September 05, 2026, 05:16:55 AMAh nice. I haven't been up the way yet.
To be honest if I wasn't tied down here Id move to Melbourne, or Tasmania even, summer temperatures for a tradesman out in it all day are getting harder to stick as I get older. Buried an old friend a few weeks ago, gone before his time from Melanoma, he spent years getting burned, loved the heat, you'd see him with white circles around the eyes where the safety glasses had absorbed the UV, the rest of his face red / black like the divil
Yeah it's something you really have to take seriously, even down here in Melbourne. The UVs can be brutal, even when it's not that hot. But even summer here gets spicy. 40°+ days aren't uncommon, and so in the 30s is just par for the course. I work outdoors too, so the old slip, slap, slop is your only man 8)
Quote from: 91/30 on September 05, 2026, 05:12:33 AMQuote from: Eoin McLove on September 04, 2026, 10:20:38 PMWhereabouts in Aus are you?
Gold Coast
I'm down in the Gold Coast today actually, it's a warm one 🥵.
I'm working outdoors in Brisbane so similar heat to you and it's already a bit warm for me. People keep laughing at me when I say it's hot out, saying "you haven't seen anything yet, wait for summer" which has me nervous. We arrived just after summer this year and it was cooking then, satan help me. :-[
Quote from: Mithrandir on September 06, 2026, 02:48:30 AMQuote from: 91/30 on September 05, 2026, 05:12:33 AMQuote from: Eoin McLove on September 04, 2026, 10:20:38 PMWhereabouts in Aus are you?
Gold Coast
I'm down in the Gold Coast today actually, it's a warm one 🥵.
I'm working outdoors in Brisbane so similar heat to you and it's already a bit warm for me. People keep laughing at me when I say it's hot out, saying "you haven't seen anything yet, wait for summer" which has me nervous. We arrived just after summer this year and it was cooking then, satan help me. :-[
You've done the right thing to be here a bit early to get a chance to acclimatise. Over the years there are plenty of stories of northern Europeans dropping dead when they arrive out here in December or January and go out working in it. I was home a few years ago and my father said to me something along the lines of "you drink a lot of water", after so many years im in the habit here of drinking plenty of water before the thirst kicks in. I haven't fainted [so far] but I've been nauseous and had heart palpations from working out in it. I was on a job for 2 years thats just finishing and 2 fellas died on it from heat, one of them was a fuckin Samoan.
I had an engineer from south India working alongside me on a job on the rail corridor for the Gold Coast light rail, middle of the day, late December, 40 degrees. There were a few poles alongside the track and yer man was standing in the 10cm wide shadow cast by the sun and shuffling bit by bit to stay in that bit of shade. I didn't have that luxury I was down on my hunkers on the ballast working away.....I should have paid more attention when I was in the Vocational School 😄 🤣
Haha thanks for that, can't wait :-X
Dunno if it's an exact fit for this thread, but had a good long look at this today while taking a shite. It certainly passed a few mins, in fact the shite had air dried itself by the time the video finished.
https://youtu.be/ePDl1JNqjpM?is=m2ZHQe4wiAR4gk28
I'd be reasonably confident now should the need ever arise. Anyone else here ever successfully land a passenger plane? Is this info reliable?